Dreams come true at inconvenient times

Harper's Bazaar has announced that pregnant pop-sensation Britney Spears has posed nude for their August issue. (source)

First of all, Demi Moore already did this back in 1991 and it wasn't hot then. Pregnant women are beautiful, no one can argue that. Their tits get big and luscious and they are always wet, but they have no fucking business posing nude. Sorry, but its true. Particularly when your entire status of popularity is based on the fact that you are sexy. Her singing sucks, her acting is horrendous, but her body was amazing and she could move in such a way that every male from adolescence to antiquated had fantasies of sexually ravaging her. In other words, you didn't want to listen to her sing but you definitely wanted to pump out some knuckle-kids to her videos.

THIS is the Britney Spears I want to see naked.

THIS is the Britney Spears I want to consensually rape.

THIS is the Britney Spears I want found in a dumpster on an episode of CSI.

Capice?

(Btw, thanks to CavalierX for bringing this to my attention.)

Black & White: Still no Gray

I had a lengthy discussion with a black friend about racial equality or lack there of. Oh, I'm sorry, he's a friend of African-American decent, for those of you who are Politically Correct. Actually, we started talking about the "Speak English when Ordering" sign that proprietor Joe Vento is proudly displaying at Geno's Steaks in Philadelphia, PA. How it morphed into a discussion about race is beyond me. Anyway...

I brought up the point that if I decided to form a "United Caucasian College Fund", it would be deemed a racist action and would be fought in court by Black Leaders across the Country. My friend then argued that it would be racist to exclude blacks from obtaining educational grants from the UCCF. So, I challenged him to show me one case where a white student was awarded a grant from the United Negro College Fund. Well, if it actually had ever happened, it should be on the internet, right? Well, as you may have suspected (and what I already knew), he found nothing.

Well, after his research on the internet, we decided to explore more "black-only" things that now exist in this country. For instance...

* There could never be a "White History Month".

* There could never be a "White Entertainment Television" channel.

* There could never be a "White Pride Day".

* There could never be an "Ivory Magazine".

* There could never be a proclaimed "White College".


In addition...

* A "Black Leader" is a Reverend or Doctor, a "White Leader" is a Grand Dragon.

* There could never be another show like "All in the Family", even though it is recognized as one of the funniest shows to ever be on television by both blacks and whites. Meanwhile Bernie Mac, Martin Lawrence and Chris Rock, as well as other black television personalities, can say pretty much anything they want about whites. In addition, shows like "Friends" and "Seinfeld" were ridiculed for not having black personalities on their show.

* There is an online meeting site called "Black Planet". There is also "Asian Avenue" and "MiGente", but there is no "White Planet". When I emailed the proprietors of these sites, I was told that such a site would be too controversial.

* If a white criminal is beaten by a group of black cops, it is considered justice. If a black criminal is beaten by a group of white cops, it is considered racism.

* The conception of Affirmative Action was to give non-white applicants an equal opportunity to be hired for a position. It is now a requirement by all employers that they have a certain amount of non-Caucasian employees. However, there is no balancing factor for industries that may have more non-white employees than white employees and there are no "rules" predominantly-black businesses to have a white employment quota.


Here's something else to ponder...

Blacks committing crimes against other blacks is so much more prominent these days that the media has classified them as "black-on-black" crimes. Have you ever heard a report of a white-on-white crime?

-----

Now, if this article makes me sound racist, I'm not. I'm a realist. And being a realist, I can easily agree that there is separation of the races on both parts. The fact that Denzel Washington had to play a piece-of-shit dirty cop that acted "thug" in order to be awarded an Oscar is ridiculous. He was absolutely amazing as Malcolm X, but because the Academy has a grudge against Spike Lee, he was never considered. Halle Berry got her Oscar by getting fucked in the ass on camera by of all people, Billy Bob Thornton. Hell, they should give her a humanitarian award for that. LOL

I am not denying that whites have a brutal history of violent racism. I like so many others in this world wish I could go back and change history, but I can't. With that being said, I will not accept a simple shifting of the tides either. Racism is racism, in any form or fashion and should not be "accepted".

Die Hard

Erectile Dysfunction - The inability to achieve penile erection or to maintain an erection until ejaculation. - dictionary.com

Approximately 30 million men suffer from (ED) Erectile Dysfunction. Before the inception of such wonder-drugs as Viagra and Levitra, there was little that could be done to combat ED. Those who could afford it would have surgically implanted devices that when activated or applied, would produce an artificial erection. Charles "Chick" Lennon, 68, had such a device installed in 1996. The Dura-II Impant, made of steel and plastic, is a non-inflatable, concealable device which always remains rigid and is designed to be "poseable". The implant consists of a series of plastic plates strung together with steel surgical wire, almost like a roll of wrapped coins. Springs press against the plates, creating enough surface tension to simulate an erection.

Well, the problem with Chick Lennon's implant was that it malfunctioned and remained stuck in the "up" position. In other words, he had a 24/7 hard-on that was beyond his control.

Lennon told reporters that he became extremely self-conscious, a recluse. He could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear a bathing suit because of the pain and embarrassment. He also stated that he was extremely uncomfortable around his grandchildren. "I don't know any man who for any amount of money would want to trade and take my client's life," said Jules D'Alessandro, Lennon's attorney. "He's not a whole person.

In 2004, a Jury awarded Mr. Lennon a judgment of $750,000 dollars in a lawsuit against the manufacturer of the Dura-II implant device, Dacomed Corp. A judge later determined that the amount awarded was "excessive" and lowered the judgment to $400,000 dollars. On Friday, June 23rd 2006 the Supreme Court affirmed the ruling. Even after the courts ruling, Dacomed still maintains that there is nothing wrong with the implant.

First off, I can't even imagine how frustrating it must be to have erectile dysfunction. Even more so, I can't fathom the amount of embarrassment that would come from having a constant erection. I'm the type of person who doesn't give two shits what people think, but in that situation? I think that even I would become self-conscious. This poor guy had to live with it for 10 years. Ten fucking years of embarrassment and mental anguish? Who the fuck was the asshole judge who decided that $750,000 dollars was too much? I mean, some dumb whore spills coffee on herself and sues McDonald's for millions because it was "hot". Yeah, no fucking shit you dumb cunt! Coffee is supposed to be hot Einstein! Meanwhile, this poor guy had to live 10 years of his life with a "forced" hard-on from an implant device malfunction. Women who suffered breast implant failures on average, have been awarded in excess of "1 million dollars" (in my best Dr. Evil voice - LOL).

I agree with the fact that we have become lawsuit-happy and that it has gotten totally out of hand, but this is one case where the original ruling was just. I mean, think about it. What would be your first reaction if you saw a grandfather sitting on a park bench, holding his grandson/daughter and he has a full erection? I'd certainly be torn between kicking the living shit out of him and calling the cops. Now imagine you are that grandfather and it is beyond your control because of a device malfunction. I'm sorry, but this guy deserved more than a measly $400,000 dollars. After all, they sold him a defective cock for his already defective cock. LOL

Birth of a Devil

Though I'm not big on self-promotion, today is my birthday. June 22, the 173rd day of the year, just on the cusp of Gemini and Cancer (which is my sign). By the way, we only have 192 days left before 2007.

Here are some of the famous folks that share my birthday:

- Carson Daly (MTV Personality) ... Gag!
- Kurt Warner (NFL Player) ... Lead the St. Louis Rams to their 1st Superbowl win.
- Dan Brown (Author of The Da Vinci Code) ... This was a cool one.
- Cindi Lauper (Singer, Song-writer) ... She bop!
- Freddie Prinze (Actor) ... Chico and The Man was a great show.
- Meryl Streep (Oscar-Winning Actress) ... Not a big fan.
- Lindsay Wagner (Bionic Woman) ... Once hot as hell!
- Todd Rundgren (Musical Innovator) ... Very cool.
- Ed Bradley (The Brotha from 60 Minutes) ... Mr. Serious.
- Kris Kristofferson (Singer, Song-writer) ... Co-wrote "Me & Bobby McGee" with Janis Joplin.
- John Dillinger (Classic Bankrobber) ... This was the coolest one. LOL


Here are some of the famous events on the day of my birthday:

217 BC - Battle of Raphia: Ptolemy IV of Egypt defeats Antiochus III the Great of the Seleucid kingdom
168 BC - Battle of Pydna: Romans under Lucius Aemilius Paullus defeat and capture Macedonian King Perseus, ending the Third Macedonian War
1593 - Battle of Sisak: Slovene - Croat troops defeat the Turks
1633 - The Holy Office in Rome forces Galileo Galilei to recant his scientific view that the Sun, not the Earth, is the center of the Universe.
1812 - Napoleonic Wars- Napoleon invades Russia.
1825 - British Parliament abolishes feudalism and the seigneurial system in British North America.
1844 - Influential North American fraternity Delta Kappa Epsilon is founded at Yale University.
1866 - Battle of Custoza: an Austrian army defeats the Italian army during the Austro-Prussian War.
1893 - The Royal Navy battleship HMS Camperdown accidentally rams the British Mediterranean Fleet flagship HMS Victoria which sinks taking 358 crew with her, including the fleet's commander, Vice-Admiral Sir George Tryon.
1898 - Spanish-American War: United States Marines land in Cuba.
1911 - George V is crowned King of the United Kingdom, succeeding his father, Edward VII.
1937 - Camille Chautemps becomes Prime Minister of France
1940 - France forced to sign armistice with Nazi Germany.
1941 - Nazi Germany invades the Soviet Union in Operation Barbarossa, one of the most dramatic turning points of World War II.
1941 - First Croatian anti-fascist armed unit (partisans) founded near Sisak, Croatia.
1941 - The Lithuanian 1941 independence begins
1941 - Various Communist and Socialist French Resistance movements merge to one group.
1944 - Opening day of the Soviet Union's Operation Bagration against Army Group Centre
1962 - An Air France Boeing 707 jet crashes in bad weather in Guadeloupe, West Indies killing 113
1963 - Pope Paul VI elected by College of Cardinals.
1976 - Canadian House of Commons abolishes capital punishment.
1978 - Charon, a satellite of the planet Pluto, is discovered.
1986 - Argentine footballer Diego Maradona scored both the Hand of God goal and the Goal of the Century against England during the FIFA World Cup in Mexico City.
1986 - The All Jharkhand Students Union is founded, in order to fight for autonomy for tribal peoples in India.
2002 - An earthquake in western Iran measuring 6.5 on the Richter scale kills more than 261 people.


Here are some of the famous deaths on the day of my birthday:

431 - Paulinus of Nola, Roman poet
1276 - Pope Innocent V
1429 - Ghiyath al-Kashi, Persian astronomer and mathematician (b. 1380)
1535 - John Fisher, Bishop of Rochester (executed)
1632 - James Whitelocke, English judge (b. 1570)
1634 - Johann Graf von Aldringen, Austrian soldier (b. 1588)
1699 - Josiah Child, English Governor of the East India Company (b. 1630)
1714 - Matthew Henry, English non-conformist minister (b. 1662)
1868 - Heber C. Kimball, American religious leader (b. 1801)
1894 - Alexandre-Antonin Taché, Canadian archbishop (b. 1823)
1905 - Francis Lubbock, Governor of Texas (b. 1815)
1913 - Ştefan Octavian Iosif, Romanian poet (b. 1875)
1928 - A. B. Frost, American illustrator (b. 1851)
1931 - Armand Fallières, French president (b. 1841)
1935 - Szymon Askenazy, Polish historian, diplomat and politician (b. 1866)
1959 - Hermann Brill, German politician (b. 1895)
1963 - Maria Tănase, Romanian singer of traditional and popular music (b. 1913)
1964 - Havank, Dutch writer, (b. 1904)
1965 - David O. Selznick, American film producer (b. 1902)
1969 - Judy Garland, American singer and actress (b. 1922)
1974 - Darius Milhaud, French composer (b. 1892)
1979 - Louis Chiron, Monaco race car driver (b. 1899)
1984 - Joseph Losey, American theather and film director (b. 1909)
1987 - Fred Astaire, American dancer and actor (b. 1899)
1988 - Dennis Day, American singer and actor (b. 1916)
1989 - Lucien Saulnier, French Canadian politician (b. 1916)
1990 - Ilya Frank, Russian physicist, Nobel Prize laureate (b. 1908)
1992 - Chuck Mitchell, American actor (b. 1927)
1993 - Pat Nixon, First Lady of the United States (b. 1912)
1994 - Otto Bradfisch, Nazi leader (b. 1903)
1995 - Al Hansen, American artist (b. 1927)
1997 - Gérard Pelletier, French journalist, politician, and diplomat (b. 1919)
1997 - Ted Gärdestad, Swedish singer (b. 1956)
2002 - Darryl Kile, baseball player (b. 1968)
2002 - Ann Landers, American columnist (b. 1918)
2004 - Mattie Stepanek, American poet (b. 1990)
2004 - Bob Bemer, computer scientist (b. 1920)

Prank you very much

A co-worker (from Mexico) took the morning off today to watch the Mexico vs. Portugal match. He was so excited because well, because it's the biggest sport in Mexico. Meanwhile, I was watching a web cast of the game at work. So, when I saw that time was winding down and Mexico was losing 2-1, I got an evil streak. I opened up my trusty Microsoft Word, and a few Word-Arts later and a cute little piece of clip-art, my co-worker had a few surprises waiting for him. As you can see from the picture I had a little bit of fun. If you can't read it in the mediocre picture taken with my camera phone, CLICK HERE to see what the sign said.

What really made me laugh was that my Boss felt really bad about it and I can't understand why. He took a 1/2 day from work to watch a soccer game on TV. LOL

The Pit and the Conundrum

Hood Fights, Vol. 2 - The Art of the Pit is a recently released DVD by Cornbread Presents: Street Heat depicting a series of underground Pit Bull fights. This DVD "shows a series of staged matches in which trained fighting dogs suffer bloody, debilitating injuries for the apparent amusement of spectators," wrote the Humane Society's Ann Chynoweth wrote in a June 13 letter to U.S. Attorney Roger Roper III. Roper has been asked to investigate whether Hood Fights, Vol. 2 violates a federal law against interstate or foreign commerce profiting from the depiction of animal cruelty. (source)

In lieu of this, retailers such as Amazon.com, Circuit City, Best Buy and NetFlix have pulled the video from their shelves/sites. Ebay has even said that they will review the material on the DVD and make their own determination if it breaks any laws before removing all auctions for this product. So, it has nothing to do with the content with Ebay, it's just whether or not it is illegal. I guess knowing that the video contains extremely-violent, "staged" fights between domestic animals is not enough to be proactive. It was for the other retailers who removed it without question.

Ok, after reading about this I went to http://www.streetheatdvd.com/ and low and behold (an no surprise to me), it was decorated with the faces of famous rappers and a stereotypical backdrop of hip-hop culture. Ever wonder why these low-life degenerate scumbags have so much money, knowing damn well that they lack an ounce of talent? Well, it's because they are knee-deep in the drug game, corruption, prostitution and shit such as the these videos depicting violence such as in Hood Fights, Vol. 2. I am sick and fucking tired of these parasitic dregs of society being glorified. What they do, what they promote and what they stand for is a disgrace against society.

How do we fight it? Taking these videos off of the shelves won't help. If anything, the press they are getting from it alone has probably doubled their sales. We need to promote the boycotting of these artists, actors, etc. They need to be exposed for what they are and not the veil their iconic status comes from. They need to be taught a lesson of why the shit they do is wrong and the only place to hurt them is in their wallets.

Prancing in the Park

Saturday morning I got all geared up and went for a bike ride. I went to the local park, which I have been addicted to since it was first opened. They have a huge lake for fishing, baketball courts, multiple soccer fields, several large pavillions and two 2-mile tracks for walking/running/biking. They even have a roller-blade hockey rink. It really is a great place to spend your free time.

Anyway, I had been there for a good hour or so, riding and enjoying the day when I heard the bark of what I call a yap-yap dog. Apparently, this little Shih-Tzu wanted to play by chasing me on my bike. Sadly, the poor dog was dressed in pink silk/satin with pink fringes and a sequent-studded, pink collar. So, I continued riding and the she was doing her best to keep pace. Lucky for her that I was going up hill.

Then, like a strange whisper on the winds, I heard a troubling word. Not that the word itself was bad. It was in how it was said. "Sthop!" It was one simple word, and yet when said with a lisp, has much more meaning behind it. Again, it called out, "Prethious, sthop!". Yep, now I am certain. It is the unmistakable call of the infamous pillow-biter. Laughing, I stopped pedaling so that the little dog would end its persuit. She then stood at my feet, yapping happily, wagging her tail and bouncing with joy. For an instance, I thought to myself, "the poor dog is probably saying please, save me from this homo"

The guy finally caught up to us and rather than simply come and get the dog, he stood about 30 feet away and said, "Prethious, I told you to sthop." Precious completely ignored him, still looking up at me, yapping. I got off of my bike and knelt down to pet her. He immediately blurted out "Pleathe, don't touch her." I replied with, "It's ok. Even if she bites, she can't possibly do any harm." Then he shocked me by saying, "Oh, no. I don't let her have human contact." Perplexed, I asked if he was a breeder and he replied with, "No. I don't let her have human contact because it will ruin her delicate psyche." ... "WHAT?!?!?"

"Prethious, come over here this insthance." Meanwhile, the obviously attention-starved dog continued to play at my feet. I love dogs and I hate fags, plus I love being a dick, so I looked him dead in his eyes and reached down and petted Precious. I believe I even had a devilish smirk plastered on my face. Well, the dog absolutely loved it. She was in doggie bliss when he demanded, "Presthious! PRESTHIOUS! COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!!" The dog didn't even look his way and it was pissing him off. This in turn, made me even more pleased to pet Precious til her little heart was content. **Am I evil? Yes, I am.**

The fag actually stomped his foot daintily (if that's possible) and again demanded that she return to him. I looked at her and said, "Ok puppy. Time to go." and after a final pet, she darted back over to her faggy owner. He then started scolding the poor thing by pointing at her and saying "bad girl, bad girl." Ok, now I'm getting pissed. I said to him, "It's in a dog's nature to want attention. You can't take that from them." He started to speak, but I cut him off. "Your poor dog is so starved for attention that she would come up to a complete stranger and totally ignore your calls." Again he opened his mouth to speak and again, I cut him off. "Dogs are pack animals, and though it may not be possible, if you want your dog's command and respect you have to show some masculinity."

Totally offended, he clipped a leash on the dog and started huffing away, just about dragging the poor thing. That really pissed me off.

"Hey, cocksucker? Stop pulling on the leash like that before I come over and rip your fucking heart out." Wow, he apparently had some balls because he continued doing what he was doing, which of course, pissed me off even more. I took a couple of excessively loud footsteps in his direction and said, "Pull it again and I'll fucking choke you to death with it." That got his attention because he stopped and turned in horror and said, "Okaaaaaay, I'm thorry!"

(To hear rant, insert coin. LOL)

"Yes, you are sorry. You're sorry because you suck cock. You're sorry because you are not a man. You're sorry because you deny your dog something as simple as being petted. Meanwhile, you indulge in having large cocks rammed in your ass like a powertool. You're sorry because a dog the size of my foot came right up to me and you didn't have the balls to get closer than 30 fucking feet. You're sorry because you can't muster up enough testosterone to let your dog know that you are a man. Yes, you ARE SORRY!"

I think I actually saw a tear or two welling up as he turned and walked away. Mission accomplished.

I then turned back to get my bike and there, in the shade was this asian lady with a look of fear on her face. I smiled and said, "I'm sorry you had to see that." She flashed a timid smile back and said, "Dat's ok. I am grad you stand up for dog." She then nodded and went about her walk. I got on my bike and went back to riding. I felt damn good about myself. Not only did I terrify someone, but I had a spectator. LOL

Marvel at the ACLU

First, let me say thank you to CavalierX of Guardian WatchBlog for bringing this to my attention.

"I'm proud of who I am, and I'm here right now to prove it."

That is what Spiderman says to the press as he takes off his mask, revealing his true identity. Marvel's "Civil War" series has the comic book conglomerate tackling the ever-so-popular topic of Civil Liberties. In the series, the Government gives birth to the "Super-Hero Registration Act", which requires all Super Heroes to reveal their identities and register as, get this ... "Living Weapons of Mass Destruction". Are you fucking kidding me?

Essentially what happens is the expansive roster of Super Heroes gets split into to factions. Those who are for the newly-passed law, headed by Spidey himself; and those who are against the idea of relinquishing their secret identities. Who do they have in the pack of non-conformists? Why, none other than Captain America. Coincidental that the man named after the greatest country in the world is also one of the heroes rebelling against the establishment? I think not. (Source)

What the fuck is Marvel thinking? First off, "Super Heroes" keep their identities secret to protect the ones they love, mainly the ones who are not super. It has nothing to do with being ashamed of being "different". I mean, who the fuck do you think would be more popular, the all-American typical football player or the guy who can lift fucking cars?

Why must this bleeding heart bullshit taint everything near-and-dear to my heart? Why does everything in this world have to be made "sensitive?" Thank God I stopped reading comic books a long, long time ago. Back when it was ok for Spidey to wear his mask and feel good about it. Back when Wolverine could pop out his claws and rip the enemy to shreds without first issuing a stern warning. Back when Batman would throw villains off of rooftops and laugh about it instead of having to show compassion for his fellow man.

Well, I say FUCK Marvel, FUCK their "Civil War" series and FUCK anyone who has the sheer audacity to buy this drivel knowing damn-well what it's premise is.

Pennsylvania Danger Cycle

As you may have heard by now, Ben Roethlisberger, star quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers was in a serious motorcycle accident on Monday, June 12 2006. In 2004, Roethlisberger signed a six year, $40 million dollar contract with the Pittsburgh Steelers. It also came with a hefty (2009) $9 million dollar roster bonus. Now, prior to his accident, Pittsburgh Steelers officials had warned him that he could be jeopardizing portions of his contract by continuing to ride a motorcycle. If that wasn't enough, it has been found that he didn't even have a valid permit or license to ride. The state of Pennsylvania's PennDOT only issues a motorcycle permit valid for one year. Roethlisberger's permit had expired on March 29, 2006. So, after ample warnings from his employer, he continued to ignore their heed and as a result, he now has multiple facial fractures including a broken nose and jaw, not to mention a totaled Suzuki Hayabusa.

Pennsylvania used to have a law stating that helmets were mandatory when operating a motorcycle. Sadly, it was amended in 2003 to make them optional for riders over the age of 21. Though, any motorcycle rider with less than two years of riding experience or that has not completed a Motorcycle Safety course must wear a helmet. In other words, by law, Roethlisberger was required to be wearing a helmet. I smell the makings of a legal loophole here. Technically he wasn't a licensed rider, so will his lawyers try to bypass the fact that he was required by law to wear a helmet and did not?

A few things about this story piss me off. First, he knowingly jeopardized a $50 million dollar contract to ride a fucking motorcycle even after being told by his employer that it could be detrimental to his contract and/or career. How fucking stupid can you be? (Apparently, very stupid.) Why bust your ass in college to become a player worthy of the NFL if you are going to piss it all away? Next, he broke the helmet law and was operating the motorcycle without a valid permit or license. People break those laws every day, so that's not what is bothering me. What has me heated is knowing that because he is a big Super bowl-winning NFL star, he's going to walk away from this with a legal slap on the wrist. Any one of us would be facing jail time, and all he'll see are some hefty fines which will be nothing less than a drop in his $50 million dollar bucket. You stupid, inconsiderate fucking asshole!

Now they are saying that he should be able to play this season. Now I ask, should that even be a consideration? He broke several laws and the trust of his employer. Why are they even considering allowing him to play? He may be talented on the field but it is apparent that common sense escapes him completely. I know that if I was his employer, he would be facing a lawful termination.

The last thing that bothers me is to know that the 35-year old helmet law of Pennsylvania was amended (2003) so that helmets become optional exactly at the same time it becomes legal to drink alcohol. How fucking idiotic is that? So, come your 21st birthday, you can legally get drunk and then drive one the most dangerous of "street-legal" vehicles and not even have to wear a fucking helmet. Granted, it is illegal to operate a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol, but by not wearing a helmet, your only sentence will be death. This amendment is a product of Mayor Ed Rendell (source) and if I were Lynn Swann, this could make a great topic of debate in the coming Mayoral Governor election. I'm pissed because I actually like Rendell, but damn! -- *sigh*

FEMA me once, shame on you...

I don't like to get overly political on this site simply because there are plenty of blogs geared towards politics. But it has recently been reported that FEMA has paid out as much as $1.4 Billion Dollars in false Katrina Victims aid claims. Yes, you read right. One point four Billion fucking dollars! How the fuck does our illustrious Government watch over a Billion fucking dollars of the taxpayer's money fly out the fucking window?

False claims such as prisoners using a New Orleans cemetery as their home address to claim relief assistance. How about a guy who got season tickets for Football on the taxpayer's bill? Or, perhaps you prefer the 70-day trip to Hawaii, again paid for by the hard working, taxpaying inhabitants of America? One person even managed to pay their divorce lawyer with illegally obtained funds from FEMA. But here is the coup de gras. The one that sits above all the rest. It turns out that you, me and every other taxpayer in the United States has paid for a man's sex change operation. You got it! We paid for Bernie to become Bernadette. How does that make you feel?

Now, I can somewhat fathom the vast amount of legitimate claims that were filed, but how do over $1 Billion Dollars in false claims get by the system? I mean, how come there was no real-time auditing taking place? Sure, now they are finding it all, but all well after the fact. How about some preventative measures? When I read this I wanted to drive to the FEMA HQ and reenact Columbine. Better yet, I wanted the sheer pleasure of choking the life from each and every individual who may have even remotely been responsible for such oversights. If I'm missing as much as a dollar from my wallet, I know. So again ...

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT NOTICE OVER $1 BILLION DOLLARS IN FALSE CLAIMS?!?!?
(Source)

"Cars" for White Trash

Against my will, I took my daughter to see Pixar's latest release, "Cars". What can I say? She's a 3 year old with a powerful smile. Anyway, for whatever reason, since she first saw the commercial, she has been fixated on the "low-rider" with the hydraulics (Cheech Marin), who I might add, was not in the movie much at all. Now, everyone expects Pixar movies to be huge successes but I really thought that this would be more of a "niche" audience and would ultimately make less than "Toy Story", "Monsters, Inc." or "Finding Nemo". Well, low-and-behold, it raked in a whopping $62.8 Million Dollars in it's opening weekend. *Gasp*

As I got a glimpse of the inhabitants of the theater, it dawned on me. This movie was made to appease the growing mass of beer swilling, NASCAR watching white trash that is plaguing our great country. The audience was a sea of mullets, t-shirts soaked in motor oil and eyes spread peculiarly far apart from one another. I was privy to hear such conversation as "Yer daddy's gonna git a car like dat one day", "I'm-a-bettin' that lil' fellar has a hemi under his hood" and of course, "That ther Larry da Cable Guy is one funny sum-bitch!" I didn't know whether I had died and went to White Trash Heaven or middle-to-upper-class Hell. Either way, it was a frightening experience.

Thank God! The lights dropped, taking away the horrors.

The movie opens with another classic short offering from Pixar Studios called "One Man Band". It was intelligent, witty and made everyone laugh out loud. Unfortunately for us, it stopped there.

The movie had it's moments. Some of the scenes with Larry the Cable Guy were actually funny, though in my opinion, Luigi (Tony Shahloub) and Guido (Guido Quaroni - a Pixar artist) stole the movie. Sadly, that's it! The rest of the movie was horrendous. The visuals were absolutely amazing, as always with Pixar, but the story just wasn't there. My daughter had to wait a good 1/2 of the movie before seeing the jacked-up low-rider and the other 1/2 wanting to leave after seeing it. (One of my rules as a parent. I'm paying for the movie you wanted to see, so you are watching the whole thing. No if's, and's or buts.)

Now, as if having to watch this drivel wasn't bad enough, about halfway through I feel kicking on the back of my seat. The first few minutes I manage to tolerate it, but when it continued on, I turned around and to my surprise, it was not a kid. It was one of the many mullet-having white trash folk that flocked there. He was there with two boys, probably in the age range of 12-15. Being that he had his kids there, I swallowed my anger and kindly asked that he please stop kicking my chair and for the first few moments, he did. That is, until I heard his kids say "You gonna let him tell you what ta do, daddy?" "Yeah Dad, I thought you was tough? In my head, I'm saying "you kids are gonna get 'yer daddy" killed".

I'm already pissed that I spent $30 to go see a crappy movie about a crappy white-trash sport, so I certainly don't need a mulleteer edging me into violence. Thankfully, he sat there, quiet. That is, until his son said "Uncle John wouldda done somethin'." I could almost hear the guy's chest swelling up behind me as he brought his foot to the back of my seat and intentionally kicked it. I leaned over and told my daughter to cover her ears. She knows that's for when Dad is about to use a bad word. Once she had cupped her ears with her hands, I stood up and turned around.

"Look you white-trash piece of shit. I am sitting here with my little girl trying to enjoy a movie about this bullshit you people call a sport. Personally, it would be much more entertaining for me to reach across these seats and rip your fucking heart out."

*he started to stand*

"Sit the fuck down!"

*he rested back down*

"Now, I am certain that you don't want your kids growing up without a father and I certainly don't want to be the reason for them having to, so you have two choices at this point. Either keep your fucking feet off my chair and go home normally or kick it again and go home in a box."

I sat back down and watched the rest of the movie, undisturbed and uneventful. At the end of the movie my daughter asked me, "Daddy, why did you yell at that man?" I simply explained that he was being "very bad" and when grown-ups are being bad, they need to be yelled at by other grown-ups. She shrugged and let out a simple, innocent "Oh" and never paid it a second thought.

I guess the moral of the story is, "It's OK to be a shit-kicker just as long as it's not my shit your kicking." LOL

Safe house from Satan

With my computer crashing and Blogger being down for 3-4 days, this is the first opportunity I have had to repost this. It was meant for Wednesday, June 7th 2006.


Tuesday, June 6th 2006 marked the release of the remake of an all-time classic film, The Omen. Fitting considering that the date was 06/06/06, right? In honor of that date I blasted out some Slayer and was sure to include what very well could have been the anthem of the day, "Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden. No, I am not celebrating the Devil, just things that are about the Devil. LOL

Now, my township is divided into sections and each section has a name. The subsequent streets in each section start with the same letter as the name of the section. Far from ingenious, but it does make giving directions a bit easier. Anyway, these sections are all pretty self-contained in the sense that they all have/had their own elementary schools, at one point they all had community pools and they all have at least one Church. So, now that you know that, I can continue.

I was driving into my section when I passed one of the two churches in my section. Well, I literally had to stop for a moment and laugh as I read the sign they have on their lawn. Now keep in mind, this was on Tuesday, 06/06/06. The sign read - "Satan is coming, his day is here - Our doors will be open at 8PM - Come stay in the house of Our Lord and be Saved" Are you fucking kidding me? Are there people with such an archaic thought process that they could actually believe Satan was coming? Would Satan be stupid enough to come on a day where everyone would expect him to? Give me a fucking break! I started driving again and went home.

At this point, the curiosity is killing me so I decided to take a stroll up there at 8:30 or so. Well, I was amazed at the amount of people who were cramming into this little church. They were like ants at a picnic. I even had one of them tell me I should "go and get my family and bring them to the safe house (church) where the Devil can't reach them." So I asked him, "How do you know the Devil is coming?" to which he replied, "It is the day of the devil, six, six, six. The number of Satan." I promptly responded with, "And...?"

...And, he is coming to destroy the world.

"So, when he destroys the world, the Earth and it's inhabitants will be vaporized and all that will be left are a few churches full of people floating in space? If that's the case, why would you want to survive? I mean, Churches don't have their own gravity and therefore would slam directly into the sun as the entire universe collapsed from instability, right?"

In an obvious, displeased grunt he replied with "Never mind!"

As he was headed back into the church I asked him, "If the evil of man is what fuels Satan's power, why would he destroy us?"

He turned for a second as if to rebut, but then turned back and walked into the "Safe house from Satan".

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

I was writing a nice, long post when my computer instantly rebooted. FUCK!!!! Turns out, there is a "crash" problem with the latest sound driver I installed. The Fix for it is 50+ MB in size. A fifty-plus-fucking-megabyte patch? Holy shit!

Well, I'm sorry to say it is late now. I will start the post again in the morning. Luckily, I'm out of training at work and back at my daily routine so I'll have time to post. Sorry folks!

Giddy like a Schoolgirl

I am so fucking excited. On of my most favorite bands is back in action and will be bring out a new CD in October 2006. Just as Metallica gave birth to thrash metal, Candlemass sired the dark and mysterious art of Doom Metal. Their ominous guitar riffs force you into a deep, hypnotic trance while your mind is deviously mastered by the operatic voice of Messiah Marcolin. Every aspect of their music is mind blowing and I highly recommend them to any Metal fan.

After 20 years without recognition, Candlemass was given a Grammy award for best hard rock/metal in their home country of Sweden, beating out powerhouse bands such as Opeth and Hammerfall.

Let me tell you. Their music kicks some serious fucking ass. I'll see if I can work it out with Tesco so that I can post some of their music up on the 100 Records site.

Wheels of Fire

Last night I got a call from a buddy who needed my help. Apparently, his sister was being abused by her spouse and she called him to help her get out. She has been getting beaten for a good while now and it finally fucking dawned on her to leave. It always amazes me when a woman (or a man) would purposely stay in an abusive relationship. Treat that shit like the fucking house in Amityville and GET OUT!!

Anyway, he needed a ride because his car was in the shop. So, at 2:30am I got up, got dressed and rushed over to his place. I picked him up and the whole ride over to her place, he's say "I'm gonna kill this bastard" , "this fucking prick has to die" , "fucker thinks he can beat my sister and get away with it" ... Basically all the things I could see myself saying in the same situation. I did my best to calm him down but as you may have guessed, I was the wrong person for the job. I was looking forward to the violence. Participating even!

Well, we turn the corner of her house and there she is, sitting outside, sobbing. She had a black eye, a few bruises and her face was streamed by a mix of tears and mascara. She told us that "He got pissed at her for coming home late. He punched her in the face and pushed her down and she hit a table. My buddy asked her where her stuff was and she said "He won't let me get it. Every time I try to go in, he comes at me." I decided to interject and tell her that I will get her in to get her stuff. So, I walk to the door and it was locked. When I tried the door I saw him peaking through the curtains. I put my shoulder into the door and broke it open. (I know, that's a crime. Blah, blah, blah! LOL)

Well, when I first busted in I didn't see anyone. Well, it turns out that the reason I didn't see anyone was because I was looking at eye-level. The guy who has been beating her ass, holding her stuff hostage and has been terrorizing her for months now was in a fucking wheelchair!!! You have got to be kidding me! Am I on a hidden fucking camera show? What the fuck?!?!?

My buddy and I were stunned with amazement. How do you even defend a woman who is getting her ass beat by someone in a fucking wheelchair? Couldn't she just have RUN? How about giving him a flat? Something for Christ's sake!

Now, what are we supposed to do?

We gave her a free path to go and take her stuff and demanded that she ONLY take her stuff. The dude in the wheelchair knew that he couldn't do a damn thing about it so he just sat there. She eventually gathered her stuff and came back down stairs. After she walked out, he grabbed the dude in the wheelchair and pulled him out of it. He then took his wheelchair and threw it on his front lawn. Meanwhile, my face is streaming with tears as I held in the bellowing laughter. He told the guy, "Stay the fuck away from my sister or next time I'll kill you."

We left, got in my truck and I BUSTED THE FUCK OUT WITH LAUGHTER!!! I made his sister feel like a complete tool for getting her ass beat by a dude in a wheelchair. The jokes kept coming the whole ride home. Here's a few:

"Are you OK? Did he run your foot over?"

"Man, he got you bad. He must have been on a roll."

"You know? Domestic violence is an up-hill battle."

This had to be one of the strangest, saddest, most hilarious things I had ever experienced! I'm laughing all over again from writing about it.