Friday, March 24, 2006

Murder at 1600

At around 8pm last night, I had to run to the store to get a few groceries. Romaine lettuce, tomatoes, broccoli, eggs and milk were just a few of the things on the list. Well, since the fruits and vegetables section is right where you walk in, naturally, I began my shopping there. As I was browsing the "good for you" isle, I saw that they had some fresh looking fruit, so I headed that way.

Apples? Yum!
Pears? More yum!
Grapes? My favorite!

Well, as approached the grape baskets, there was a rather dirty-looking woman fondling each bunch. Now, the dirty part is unavoidable since I live in a predominantly white-trash area. Knowing that, it is obvious that her lack of cleanliness wasn't the issue. Ok, are you ready for it? SHE WAS COUGHING ON THE SAME HANDS THAT WERE FONDLING THE GRAPES!!! How fucking disgusting is that?

In addition to germinating each bunch she raped of wholesomeness, she was picking from them and eating. Oh man, as much as I wanted grapes she sent me into a verbal frenzy.

I began to see flashes in my head. A vision of grabbing her by the back of her fucking head and pushing her face into the grapes basket until she stopped kicking. I wanted to grab a bag of oranges and beat her into a bloody pulp (pun intended.) I wanted to rip her eyes from their sockets and squeeze lemon juice in them just to hear her fucking scream.

The flashes finally came to a hault and my sanity returned and I approached her.

"Excuse me, Mam?"
- "Yes?"

"What the fuck are you doing?"
- "Excuse me?"

"Do you realize you are coughing your disgusting germs on the fruit?"
- "I'm sorry, I hadn't..."

"Don't you dare say you didn't realize you were being a disgusting slob by contaminating the fucking fruit with your germs. Don't you fucking dare."
- "..." **she walked away in a huff**

I was so fucking furious, no, livid! Well, she went to the Manager to complain that I was "rude, obnoxious and harassing her." Well, by the time the manager got back to me I was still fuming, standing in the fruit isle. Well, his eyes widened as he took notice that I had bagged up the entire basket of grapes. When she and the manager approached me, I placed them all in HER cart. The manager was speechless for the moment. I swear I saw him smirk.

So, we all went back and forth. She explained her side of the story and I explained that she was lying. The manager (impartially) listened to both of us and was again at a loss for words. He called a stock person over, asked her to take all of the grapes in the back and bring out a new load. He then turned to me and asked, "Will that settle the issue sir?" I was honest and replied, "Normally I would demand that she buy them all as I had originally intended, but in a gesture of good faith, yes it does."

Well, we could have ended it all there, but apparently the scummy bitch was intent on having me banned from Shoprite. Yes, that's right, banned from a fucking supermarket. Well, the manager explained that "technically", I was in the right. Well, she literally stomped her foot and said, "I will never shop here again!" To which I quickly replied, "GOOD! Now we'll know the fruit will be germ free."

The manager laughed, she walked away and I smiled proudly having done a great service for my fellow shoppers. Now I just feel bad for the supermarket that will be next on her germ-warfare hit list.

In fact, writing this made me laugh all over again.

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6 Comments:

Blogger LL said...

You're like some sort of caped crusader, aren't you?!? Heeeeeeeehehehehe!! That was GREAT!

2:55 PM  
Blogger Irishdiablo said...

I would never wear a cape. That would be GAY! LOL

(Hey everyone, be sure to click on the "Click Here to kiss my ass" link on the sidebar. Don't worry, it's clean.)

3:12 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy 2x4 said...

Ah, ID, I couldn't find that damn bert/ernie/cookie monster/elmo alert level thing I used to use in my messageboard rants! Couldn't for the life of me remember where it was.

And white trash germs are on everything... makes you think Howard Hughes may have been right to piss in jars.

8:19 PM  
Anonymous SK said...

Way to go ID! Sorry I wasn't there to enjoy the show.

11:51 AM  
Blogger Irishdiablo said...

BD2x4 - I had a bit of trouble remember where I had gotten it too. I simply Google'd sesame street terror alert and I believe it was the first link.

And yes, white-trash germs ARE everwhere, but when you personally see them being applied, it' rather apalling. LOL

1:40 PM  
Blogger Irishdiablo said...

SK - There were a few people around but no one commented either way. I would like to think that they were pleased with the stand I took. :-)

1:41 PM  

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