Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Piss poor work experience

I'm back! Sorry folks, I had a project for work that required all of my attention.

I am one of the lucky ones where I work to be privy access to the Executive Bathroom. It's nothing fancy, just a private bathroom for a select few to use. Well, up until recently, it was also a well-kept bathroom. The cleaning crew tended to it regularly and you could always feel good (clean) about using it. This was perfect for me because I hate, no loathe using public restrooms. I'm not a germ freak like "Monk", but I can't stand the idea of sitting on a toilet that thousands of others have sat on.

Well, for the past 2 months or so, the "executive" bathroom has been a complete mess. Piss on the floor, on the seat, even on the fucking walls. The cleaning crew do their job as normal and sure enough, its back to being a piss-infested shit hole. Well, at this point a few of us are very disgusted. Well, I mentioned it to the cleaning crew and asked that they call my extension and let me know when they have cleaned the executive facilities. Well, Tuesday and Wednesday went by and I got the calls as expected, 3 times each day. Shortly after my confirmation that they were cleaned, I went and inspected the facilities. At the time of my inspection, they remained clean. It wasn't until later in the afternoon that I noticed they were defiled once again. Damn, the culprit did his dirty work unnoticed.

Now, Thursday comes along and at 11:45 AM on the dot, I get my call saying the facilities have just been cleaned. In the time that it took me to walk down the hall to the executive bathroom, someone had occupied it. So, I patiently waited my turn and when the moment presented itself, I went in to take a piss. Low and behold, the bathroom was a complete disgrace. Piss on the floor, the seat and even the wall. "MOTHER FUCKER!!!!" Well, it's no secret now who the fucking slob is and as I suspected, it was one of the new inductees. Well, me being me, before I make his disgusting nature public, I decided to confront him privately.

(For the sake of anonymity, let's call him Gary ... cause that's his name. LOL)

Me: "Hey Gary, got a second?"

- Gary: "Sure."

Me: "Let's go the conference room."

- Gary: "..."

(Walked into the conference room and closed the door)

Me: "Are you aware of the fact that you left a mess in the men's room?"

- Gary: "How so?"

Me: "It had just been cleaned and now its a mess already."

- Gary: "I am not the one that pissed all over."

Me: "I never said anything about piss."

- Gary: "..."

Me: "Look, dude. I'm coming to you first because I am certain you do not do it intentionally."

- Gary: "Of course not."

Me: "Good. Now, is it too much to ask you to simply clean up after yourself? I mean, I know that nobody is perfect and that we all get winky dinks from time to time."

- Gary: "Don't we have people who clean it."

Me: "Dude, I'm sure that they don't enjoy cleaning up your piss everyday and I'm more than certain that you don't schedule your taking leaks in accordance with the fucking cleaning schedule for the men's room."

- Gary: ".... No."

Me: "So then its a simple matter of you cleaning up after yourself. That's all I'm asking."

- Gary: "And why should I do what you say?"

(Oh boy! .... There goes that internal switch.)

Me: "Well, because the next time I find the bathroom a mess, I am going to grab you by your neck and drag you over there and proceed to wipe up your disgusting mess with your shirt while you are still wearing it. That's why!"

- Gary: "... (blink)"

Me: "Now I've come to you in a civilized, cordial manner and have kindly asked that you clean up your own piss in the event that you spray the men's room. That's about as nice as I can get. Please don't make me show you how mean I can be. Just clean up your mess and all will be well."

- Gary: "...... Okay."

Today I came back into the office and my boss called me in his office. He asked if I had "threatened" Gary. Apparently, Gary took my day off as an opportunity to rat me out to the boss. Anyway, I explained the whole situation and that I had kindly asked that he do his part in keeping our executive bathroom clean by tending to his own mess. After explaining the who thing, here is my Boss' response.

Boss: "Well, if you had threatened him, you should apologize to him personally and privately so that I don't have to investigate the matter. If you had not threatened him, he apparently perceived it in such a manner that you did and I kindly ask that you apologize to him anyway. Now, whether or not you threatened him in any manner, GREAT FUCKING JOB! That bathroom was becoming a shit hole but for the past few days it has been fucking spotless! ((laughs)) That's all."

I walked out of my Boss' office, over to Gary's cube and said "I'm sorry" and that was that.


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