The Candy Bandit

If you were to walk through my office, you will see some sort of candy, snack, munchies, etc. on each of the desks. It's a friendly environment where if I feel like a Pretzel, I know where to go. If someone wants sugar-free candy, they know they can come to my desk. Share and share alike is our motto, but as with anything else, there is always that one person who fucks it up for everyone.

In the past 2-3 weeks, folks have been noticing that their snack offerings have been diminishing rather expeditiously. They will refill before lunch, come back after lunch only to find their basket empty. We're talking a good 20 desks, all with snacks ranging from pretzels, chips, hard candy, Twizlers and such. The selection is pretty diverse and for anyone to eat such a mixture must either have a tape worm or a cast-iron stomach. Well, as it turns out, that is not the case at all.

The culprit of the disappearing snacks has been recently identified. He was seen going through and taking handfuls of stuff and pocketing it. He even went as far as to go in someone's drawer, open a new bag of pretzels and fill their basket only to take 1/2 of what he so kindly put out. Well, it turns out that the bag he opened was meant for home and not the office. As if that wasn't bad enough, he even went so far as to leave a fucking note on someone's desk letting them know (anonymously) that they were "out" and that they should get more. The fucking balls on this guy. What really pisses me off about this is the fact that he is one of the few who do not put stuff out on his desk. (Gee, imagine that.)

Well, he must not like sugar-free candy (which is what I offer) because he never once came and took my stuff. It could also be the fact that he well knows that if I caught him, I'd crush him. Well, after hearing so many of my fellow co-workers complain, I went to the department head and simply asked if something could be done. He gave me permission to personally ask him to refrain from his current actions and that if he wanted a piece of candy or something, to simply take one or two and leave it at that. Now, you guys know that putting it that way is simply too nice for me to do. So, when the opportunity presented itself, I handled it my own way.

Here is how the conversation went.

Me - "Hey ****, got a minute?"

Anonymous - "Sure."

Me - "Several people have been complaining about the amount of stuff you have been taking from their baskets."

Anonymous - "Oooooookaaaaaaay...?"

Me - "Well, while they are too nice to actually say anything to you, none of the appreciate it and would like it to stop immediately."

Anonymous - "But they put the stuff out for people to take."

Me - "Yes, but to take in moderation, not all at once."

Anonymous - "Why don't they put up a sign then?"

Me - "Because everyone but you understands the etiquette."

Anonymous - "Oh, so now you make the rules?"

Me - "No, I don't make them ... I enforce them and you my friend, are in direct violation."

Anonymous - "So what?"

Me - "So, the next time I hear of or in any way suspect that you are excessively taking stuff from people's desk, I will wait until the end of the day, grab you by your scrawny little neck, drag you off of work property and proceed to beat you like a piñata until all of the stolen candy falls out of your pockets."

Anonymous - "..."

Me - "Do you understand me?"

Anonymous - **nods**

Me - "Thank you."