Monday, April 03, 2006

The Choleric Gardener

I was so excited. I was on my way of having an uneventful, enjoyable weekend. No episodes of dramatic aggression. No neurological depictions of graphic violence. Nothing but enjoyment and happiness.

I went and saw the movie Inside Man Friday night. Aside from Spike Lee broadcasting his political views, it was a really good movie. Denzel Washington was great and the rest of the cast wasn't far behind. It was interesting to see Jodie "rape me on a pinball machine" Foster play a cold, calculated bitch. A role which she actually pulled off really well.

Saturday I had a bunch of shopping and other errands to do. Believe it or not, that was all uneventful. Hell, I even went to the gym and no one pissed me off and that in itself is a miracle. Saturday night I went out to dinner and the food was great. I had a "seafood trio" which consisted of shrimp and flounder, both stuffed with jumbo lump crab meat, a jumbo lump crab cake, sautéed pea pods, fresh asparagus and a salad. Like I said, the food was excellent.

Sunday came along and I had finished the majority of what I needed to do. So I went to Home Depot to look for some gardening stuff. I promised my mother that I would make her a little flower garden in a vacant spot of land at the house. Unfortunately, the area doesn't get much sun thanks to the two trees that border it. So, I walk in to Home Depot, head to lawn and garden and find a sales rep. I ask him where the plants are that require partial sun. He replies, "I'm not sure. Check with someone in the floral area." So, I head to where all of the plants and flowers are, find a girl who works there and ask her the same question. She kindly replies, "I'm sorry, I don't know. I don't work in that area." ... "You do work in Lawn and Garden, correct?" ... "Yes, but not in that area." I noticed that she worked in the fountain area, and I had considered a fountain for the garden so I asked her, "Do you need to put anything special in the water of an outdoor fountain?" ... Ready? ... Here it comes ... She replied with, "You know? I'm not really sure."

She's not really sure? She works in the area where the fountains are, so why the fuck doesn't she know? Do they do any sort of job-training at Home Depot? Maybe she was new and honestly didn't know. I kept telling myself that in order to keep my cool. So, I walked up to one of her co-fountain-area-workers and asked the same question. I guess it was my fault because I worded it differently, but my exact words to him were "Do you know if there is anything special that goes in outdoor fountains?" ... His reply? "Water." NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK! Either I'm dealing with a comedian or this is yet another DUMB DEPOT employee, and since I wasn't laughing, I am guessing it was the latter of the two.

Ok, the best thing I can do is circumvent them all and head to the books. I'm bound to find the answer to my fountain question and in the least, what typical plants do not require a lot of sunlight. So, that's exactly what I did. I first found a great list of plants that are "partial sun" plants, so I began writing a few that I liked down. Just as I got to the area in the book about fountains, another Dumb Depot employee came up to me and said, "Excuse me, sir? We ask that our customers not read the books for reference. Otherwise, no one would buy them." ... **SNAP** ... I was so close. FUCK!

"Excuse me, but do you know why I am left to read one of your fucking books? How about the fact that I asked 3 employees 2 simple fucking questions and none of them could even give me what faintly resembled an intelligent answer. How about the fact that the people who work in Lawn & Garden had no idea as to what plants require only minimal sunlight? How about the ditz and the dumbass who work specifically in the fountain area had no idea if anything besides water needs to be added since they are constantly outdoors? Do you see now why I am READING a fucking book instead of BUYING the shit I need? I bet that any one of you can easily tell me that I am not allowed to read books, but not one of you drop-out dickheads can tell me what I need to know. Am I right? AM I RIGHT?"

What I didn't tell him was that I had aspirations of grabbing the first guy by his neck, forcing his mouth open and then seeing how many different flowers I could jam down his throat. All the while hoping that a few of them where poisonous. As far as the fountain cunt and her kooky co-worker, it was simple. I grab them both by their hair and shove their faces into the huge display fountain, filling their mouths with water which may or may-not have added chemicals, listening to them gurgle for air until they both go limp. Maybe even make a game of it and let the one who doesn't die first go. Yeah, that would be fun. Oh, and for the book lord? Well, the have some pretty hefty hardbacks there. I'm sure I could find a few to cave his empty skull in with. "Hmmm, how to build a deck? WHAM! Brick face and stucco? WHACK! Growing plants and vegetables? THUD! Plumbing and heating repair? CRUNCH!!! ... Ah, the blood."

Anyway ...

His face filled with fear as he murmured out the words, "I'm sorry." I asked him to get a manager, which he did. I noticed a few people who were intrigued by my tirade, hiding and peering around corners, watching. The manager came up to me and asked, "Is there a problem sir?" I explained the whole situation to him in a much calmer, rational voice. Within a few seconds, he was able to answer my questions and point me in the perfect direction of the plants I was seeking. He then apologized several times and walked with me to the plants, showed his knowledge by explaining what I need to look for and went about his business. Well, as I completed my list of exactly what I need, the manager came back and gave me a personally signed gift voucher for $50 bucks. WOW! I never expected that. He then apologized some more and asked that in the future, I come directly to him and if I can't find him, ask them to page "Willard". We shook hands and I thanked him for his generosity. In my mind, he went above and beyond his duty and it was greatly appreciated. THIS, my friends, is CUSTOMER SERVICE.

Once the garden is done, I'll take some pics and post them. Not that any of you care! LOL


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