Thursday, April 20, 2006

Porker Protocol

I must clarify before anything else that I do not hate cops. I have friends who are cops and I respect anyone who becomes a cop. I just hate it when cops fuck with me! :-)

Ok, on with my story...

"MOTHER FUCKER!!! I'll be damned if I didn't get pulled over today. I was on my way back from lunch and was pulled over about 5 minutes from work. I was already late getting back, and now this. So, I pull over and got my registration out of the glove compartment. Of course, there is that long waiting period where the run you tags, check for stolen vehicle reports and do whatever else it is they do before they get their fat asses out of their cars.

OK, he finally gets out and approaches my window, which is already open because I know "the routine". "License and registration please?" I handed him my license from my wallet and my registration in the nifty little folder I bought at the car wash. I then asked, "Can you please tell me what I was pulled over for?" ... He replied with an aggravated sigh, "One moment, Sir." He then walked back to his car and again, "did his thing."

Meanwhile, I'm running scenarios through my head. "I wasn't speeding" ... "My tail lights all work" ... "I always use my turn signals" ... "I didn't make any illegal turns" ... "My truck certainly belongs to me" ... "I know I didn't run any lights because there are no in-between lights on the road I was on." "What the fuck? I'm at a complete loss! So much in fact that I was literally talking to myself. I hope he didn't pull me over for a psychological test. LOL

After adding an additional 18 minutes to my being late getting back, he came back to my window, handed me my stuff back and then dropped the bomb on me. "Sir, you have your tailgate down and that's considered a hazard. You have got to be fucking kidding me! He pulled me over and held me up for 20+ minutes to tell me that having my tailgate down was a hazard? He literally wasted his and my time with that earth-shattering tidbit of information? Was I on a hidden camera show? Did I just get Punk'd? Anyone who has a pickup truck and a solid tailgate knows that having it down causes much less wind drag thus making your vehicle more fuel efficient.

"Sir, may I ask what the hazard is? The only reason I ask is because the bed of my truck is empty and the gate is completely secured. I think my question was a valid one and I tried to ask it in the most respectful way, all without showing my complete and utter furiosity (if that's a word, lol).

"SIR? It is a hazard because it is difficult for vehicles behind you to judge where the back of the vehicle is." ... Oh boy, somebody just flicked my dickhead switch!

Excuse me officer, but no vehicle should have a need to get so close as to hit my tailgate just because it was hard for them to judge where it was."

I look at his face get conquered with volcanic anger, so I was smart and shut up. He raised his voice an octave and said, "Sir, just keep the gate up and secure."

I then grabbed my pen and a piece of paper and wrote down his name and badge number. He saw me writing and asked what I was doing. I calmly replied with, "I am writing your name and badge number down. I was told to always do that when I get pulled over." He raised his eyebrows and was ready to just accept it, but then I dug a bit deeper. "Plus, when I get back to work I am going to research any traffic laws pertaining to tailgate positioning and the possible hazards of it being down. If I find that I am wrong and you are correct, I will call your office and highly commend you for your services. Now, if I find out there are no such laws and it id not deemed a hazard, I will file a formal complaint of harassment. Thank you sir. Have a great day."

Oh boy, he went from pissed to really, REALLY PISSED! - "SIR!!!! I am just doing my job. Maybe you can't appreciate it now, but if your vehicle was stolen and was recovered by a stop such as this, you sure as hell would feel differently. I am sick and tired of people wanting police officers there when they need them, but fail to cooperate otherwise. GOOD DAY, SIR!" He walked off in a huff. Well, mission accomplished. I managed to take just about as much of his time pointlessly, just as he had taken time from me. Evil, huh? MU WAH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA! (That's my gratuitous evil laughter. LOL)

Maybe Wild Bill, Free0352 (if he ever visits) or someone else who was/is an officer of the law can let me know for sure if it is a "hazard" to have my tailgate down (with an empty truck bed, mind you). I would love to know!


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