Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Every man's fantasy fulfilled

Ladies, do yourself a favor and do not believe your man when he says he wouldn't have sex with Britney Spears. There's not a straight man on this planet that wouldn't love to have dirty, nasty, bang-out sex with her. So, if your man says he wouldn't, he's either lying or a closet fag.

Ok, now that I've said my peace, I want to talk about the break-up between the Pop-Icon Britney Spears and her seemingly freeloading soon-to-be ex-husband, Kevin Federline. I didn't care one bit if they broke up or lived happily ever after. I don't care about "famous" people other than how the entertain me like the monkeys that they are. However, this caught my attention because in a bitter attempt to cash in on their divorce, Kevin "Can't rap worth a shit" Federline has stated that he has tapes of he and Britney having sex.

Keep in mind that all of my fantasies have a 1-dick limit (that being mine,) but if I get the chance to see Britney in all her glory, than I won't mind looking past Kevin's man-ass in order to do so.

I just beg of you Kevin Federline.... Please, please, PLEASE?

ONLY release the tapes where she looks like THIS ...and not like THIS


I got this in an email and I thought you all may enjoy it as well:

The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Chappelle Show - President Black Bush

It seems appropriate for election time that I share one of my most favorite skits from the "Chappelle Show"
Tuesday, November 07, 2006


Whether you're a Democrat or a Republican, get your ass out and vote.

Believe it or not, your vote does count.
Monday, November 06, 2006

Erection Day?

Just a quick story that made me laugh. A lady I work with who is from Hong Kong, told me to make sure I go out on Tuesday. I was baffled for the first few seconds and asked, where am I going. She then reminded me that Tuesday was Erection Day. Yes, with her typical Asian accent, she told me that I "need to get out and vote on Erection Day."

I asked her if it would be "hard?"

She replied with, "No, its-a reery easy. Its-a aw computah now."

I then said, "I heard its going to be a stiff race."

She said, "I don' rike Repubrican or Demercraht, so I don no."

Me, "I think they are going to blow it all over again."

She then replied with, "Yeah, day-sa gots-a rotta balrs (balls) and I think day reery stink."

I ended with, "Well, you can clean them up with enough time."

And her final comment? "Nah, all dem is-a ass hoes!"

I busted out laughing and she took great pride in being the one who made me laugh because it is usually I who makes everyone else laugh.

Save the Cheerleader.... Save the World.

NBC's HEROES may very well be the best show on television. I know that everyone loves CSI, Law & Order and House but let's face it. The outcome of those shows is almost always the same. They almost always solve the crimes on "CSI" and "Law & Order" and the sarcastic condescension from Dr. Gregory House always become moot in the end because he will always find the miracle cure.

Heroes is different. It's fresh and refreshing. Don't be fooled by thinking it's just another X-Men or Spiderman because it is far from it. In fact, in many ways I like this show more than those Hollywood blockbusters. The writers of Heroes have spent the entire season so far on character development. You not only get to see what makes each character special, you get to see what makes them normal. If anyone remembers the 80's show The Greatest American Hero, you will remember how much of the show revolved around the characters and not just what Ralph Hinkley (main character) could do. Due to time constraints and the needs of the movie-going audience, the "X-Men" and "Spiderman" type films are pressured into providing instant action, big effects and cheap thrills and unless you are a comic book fan, you have no idea what the back story is on each of the characters.

With the exception of Ali Larter and Noah Gray-Cabey, the cast is fairly unknown and yet I have no complaints about their work. In fact, I have nothing but praise for each and every one of them, and the character Hiro played by Masi Oka my favorite of them all. Though in THIS SCENE and the Striptease Act she did in the first episode (sorry, couldn't find a video) were hot as hell.

Intrigued? CLICK HERE and you can watch 2-minute replays of each episode to get caught up and you can watch the last episode in it's entirety.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Bits`O Halloween

I took my daughter (4) Trick or Treating last night for Halloween. She was a real trooper about pressing on and getting in just a few more houses. Well, when we reached our limit she said the cutest thing. She looked at me and asked, "How are we getting home?" To which I replied, "We're walking." Her eyes widened and she said, "Without our car?" I busted out laughing. She wound up sitting on Daddy's shoulders for the trip back. How could I resist?

Later that evening I was helping my niece (12) sort out her massive collection of candy when I came across what was unmistakably Penis-shaped candy. I had to do a double take but sure enough, there it was. An individually wrapped piece of candy shaped like a penis (similar to the ones in the pic, but larger and red in color.) I immediately called the parents of my niece's friends down the street and asked that they examine their candy as well. Sure enough, they found the same phallic treat I did. As I hung up the phone, a furious "motherfucker" escaped my lips.

Unfortunately, kids don't normally pay attention to who gives what. They just hold out their bags and collect whatever gets dropped in there. None of them had any idea who gave them this candy. I pressed her with questions just to make sure it wasn't a friend playing a joke on them. She was extremely thorough is convincing me it was not. I was so fucking furious and my anger just kept expanding knowing that I had no way of knowing who the sick fuck was. Unfortunately it was too late for me to take her back around, retracing her path. The only thing I could do (and did do) was call the Police and report it. I wasn't surprised to find out that I wasn't the first caller. They told me they were "looking into it."

To my dismay, there was nothing in the paper or on the news about it happening or about the culprit being caught. So as of today, its as if it never happened. When I get out of work I will call the Police station but I am more than certain that I will be told that nothing was found.

I guess for my sake, it was best that I didn't find out who did it because I'd be in jail right now.

Introducing.... Trunk Monkey

I know that "Trunk Monkey" sounds like a racial slur, but it's actually the hilarious commercial idea for Suburban Auto Group, an auto dealer located about 20 miles east of Portland, Oregon. Check out the videos:

Trunk Monkey #1

Trunk Monkey #2

Trunk Monkey #3

Trunk Monkey #4

Trunk Monkey #5

Trunk Monkey #6