Monday, May 29, 2006

My Little Angel

I'm not big on putting pictures of my daughter online. In some cases, I will share them via email, but only with those I feel I can trust. Well, after taking this picture I just had to share it. Those of you who know me know I am not religous in any sense of the word, but when I saw this picture I was amazed at how much it looked like my little girl had a halo. So, now when I tell people she is an "Angel", I have visual proof. By the way, my Angel's name is Samantha, or as I like to call her, "Samburger".

My Buddy

Meet Buddy. He's the latest edition to the family. He's a wire-haired Jack Russell terrier. Buddy was in a fire, was burned very bad and had lost all of his fur. He was taken in by a local kennel who nursed him back to health. Constant medicine baths, medications and creams. Literally thousands of dollars in care. While this kennel was caring for him, his old family found out where he was and went to get him. Unfortunately, when they saw how he looked from the burns, they decided that they didn't want him. How fucking despicable people can be. If I worked at the kennel and they came in and said that they didn't want him now I'd fucking kill them. Well, their loss our gain.

Buddy is a great little dog. He's 4 years old, was already house broken and while the kennel had him they taught him tricks while taking his mind off of his therapy. The kennel could not afford to keep him any longer and were going to send him to a local shelter. They dreaded that no one would adopt him and he would be put to sleep. They decided to list him on PetFinder. Lucky for us that we had been looking on that very site. After seeing his listing, I contacted the foster home and set up a meeting. I fell in love with him immediately and decided I wanted to take him home. It was that simple. The next day, I picked him up and he is now a member of the family.

If any of you are looking for a new cat or dog, be sure to look on PetFinder. They literally have thousands of animals who need a home.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Perils of Parenting

I believe I have posted about my inconsiderate neighbors before, so if this seems repetitious, my apologies. For those of you who are not familiar with them, here is a quick description. In one of the neighboring houses there are a group of kids just out of High School who run rampant through the neighborhood. I can only guess that they either pooled their money together and the house belongs to them or it was a gift from their parents or possibly, the parents own the house and are simply non-existent. Either way, it is a house full of unscrupulous, inconsiderate, reckless adolescents. The sad part is they have little kids, usually snot-nosed and filthy clothed. Child care is obviously not a strong-point of their household.

Well, on the Saturday that just passed, a few of their little ones had been outside throwing rocks. Sure enough, as I had expected, I start to hear them bouncing off of the siding. Again as expected a few hit my windows, one of which chipped the glass. I walked outside and kindly asked the kids to find another spot to throw rocks, preferably away from my house. They began moving but didn't say a word. No "sorry", no "thank you", no nothing! No problem. As long as they are no longer damaging the house that's fine, right?

Well, one of their mothers grew a set and walked over to ask me, "Who do you think you are telling my kids what to do?" -- "Excuse me?" -- "You can't tell my kids what to do." At this point I can hear Scotty from Star Trek in my head saying I've givin'er all she's gawt Cap'n, but she's still gonna blow.

"I am the person whose house they hit with rocks. I am the person whose window they damaged with rocks. I am the person who was going to let it go until you opened your big, fucking mouth. I am the person who will be seeking payment for damages. I am the person who will be calling child welfare on your selfish, inconsiderate, no clue-having ASS!"

That last part struck a nerve because she insistently fired back with, "I watch my kids. I take care of my kids." Well, without hesitation I responded by asking, "So if you watch your kids, than you must approve of them throwing rocks at my house and windows, otherwise you would have stopped them, correct?" Well, she cocked her head in that Scooby Doo way and was at a loss for words. She is obviously dealing with a much more cunning intellect than she is used to.

I swear time had frozen at that very moment and I could see myself grabbing her by her hair and smashing her face into a tree. Just grinding her face-meat into the rough bark of an old oak. Tenderizing her patronizing look into a bloody mound of undistinguishable flesh. Then, just as my elation set in, the moment had ended and I was back to looking at the befuddlement of this snide little bitch.

"I'll send you a bill", I exclaimed.

Nothing else was said between us. We simply turned away from each other and went back to our houses. I swear if she had a tail it was snugly between her legs at that point. - The truth is, I have no intention of giving them a bill. Kids will always be kids. I just wanted to make a point that she needs to keep better watch on them before something bad happens. Either they break a window, a windshield or perhaps get hit by a car. And you know what? In any of those scenarios, she would be at just as much fault as the kids, if not more!

Meat the Sexiest

PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has Named Prince (Purple Rain, Under a Cherry Moon) and Kristin Bell (Veronica Mars) the "Sexiest Vegetarians of 2006". Ok, now after reading that, take a deep breath.

Ok, now say it with me...

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Homo Arigato Mr. Roberto

I have to share this because I am bursting with laughter. I just had a meeting at work and it was with a flaming homosexual who was Japanese. From the moment he said "Herrrrrrroooooooo" in that dramatic, long-drawn way that flamboyant homosexuals tend to talk and with a broken English accent to boot, I knew I was doomed. From start to finish this was one of the funniest fucking things I have ever experienced. I'm pissed at my co-workers because no one warned me as to what I was about to face. Of course, when the meeting was over they all had mischievous grins on their faces and then all at once collectively busted-out laughing. I replied with a simple, "That's messed up!" and then joined them in laughing.

I'm still laughing about it while I typing this post. The guy had on a powder blue suit and a soft-pink tie. The real kicker was that he had a pink, silk flower on his lapel. Anyway, when he shook my hand he turned his upward like a woman would and held it out delicately, like it was made of paper mache. He then gave a creepy smile and let out the "Herrrrrrroooooooo" in the aforementioned paragraph. All I could think of was Kim Jong Il from the movie Team America: World Police, but of course a much-more gay version. I don't know how I managed to keep my composure throughout the meeting, but I did. On the inside I was dying!

As if this wasn't enough of an experience, my boss came up to me after the meeting and he said, "He likes you." I thought he meant in the sense that he was pleased with my presentation and the way I orchestrated the meeting, so I replied with a simple "thank you". My boss then looked at me harder and said, "No, he reeaallyy likes you." My face dropped. "Are you serious?

My boss gave me a look like actually saying yes would make him sick.

Then he lowered his head as if to say "I am really sorry."

Now it was me that was sick. Disgusted. Mortified.

My boss looked back up at me with an impish grin and said, "Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Maaaaaannnn, you should have seen your face!" ... I laughed and said, "Dude, that was fucked up! I mean really fucked up! If you weren't my boss I'd kick your ass. In the end we all laughed and are still having a good time with it.

It was still fucked up! ROFLMAO
Monday, May 15, 2006

When a stranger calls

I just started to doze off last night around 12:45 when my phone rang and woke me out of that mid-sleep state. I grumbled out a groggy "Hello?"


"No, sorry dude. You have the wrong number."

"Ok, cool."

I closed my eyes and again began falling asleep when the phone rang ... again.

"Yo, Shaniqua!"

"Wrong number again dude."

"Oh damn, my bad dude."

I closed my eyes once more and really fell asleep fast when the phone rang yet again. At this point I am so fucking pissed off and grumpy. I snatched up my phone, damn near slammed it to my ear and screamed "What the fuck is your problem? Are you a fucking moron?"

.... [silence]

Then in a soft, submissive voice I hear ... "Um, uncle Bob?"

DOH! I had just screamed at my poor nephew who thought I'd be up (because I usually am). He wanted to talk to me about his upcoming trip to New Zealand and Australia. Poor fella! He has the jitters about flying that far away for the first time and I, in one sentence, ripped him a new asshole.

Well, at least now he knows why. LOL

Singing the Sopranos

What the fuck has HBO done? Who is to blame? Who needs to get "whacked?"

I am a big fan of their series, The Sopranos. In truth, I love just about every show HBO has. Sopranos, Big Love, Deadwood, Rome, Entourage, The Wire, etc. Some of their now-extinct shows were great too. OZ, Carnivale, even going back as far as Dream On which was a brilliant comedy. Their current cycle is of course, The Sopranos and Big Love.

Well, beginning with last season of The Sopranos, they "outted" one of the mobsters on the show as a homosexual. A fag mafia gangster? I mean, I guess it's possible, but what the fuck? Anyway, until now they have been real "obscure" about his homosexual activities, but last night's episode was like an "R" rated episode of Will and Grace. It literally turned my stomach. There was kissing, eye-gazing, whispering sweet nothings and tidbits of sex such as them getting into bed together, naked and kissing one another. I mean, on a show like OZ it was expected. It took place in a prison for Christ's sake. This is the motherfucking Mafia! Michael Corleone, Henry Hill, John Gotti, Paul Viti (LOL - Robert Deniro in Analyze This! and Analyze This!.)

Why is it so important for these asshole directors and film-makers to take something "macho", such as being a cowboy or a mafia boss, and make them gay? The penalty for such a crime should be death. Yes, that's right. They should kill the writers, directors and anyone else who has knowledge of such atrocity prior to the filming of said blasphemy. I wanted to dig up John Wayne, collect his bones and go beat Ang Lee to death with them for making a movie about homo cowboys.
Saturday, May 13, 2006

Detrimental Kindness

We've all been there. The majority of us possess something that is often called on by favor. Well, knowing computers the way I do, I constantly find myself helping family and friends. And you know what? I love doing it. I love helping those close to me and I really do enjoy working with computers that much. I never ask for anything in return. To pay someone to fix your computer, even of the most simplistic of problems is in the least $50.00/hour. But, because of who they are and what they mean to me, I never ask for anything in return.

Now, any of you that own or have-owned a pick-up truck knows that having one is like a stamp on your forehead that reads "mover". Or, maybe it says "sucker", who knows? LOL It truly is like a curse.

Well, I have this one, well, we'll call her an acquaintance. Well, I got a call today asking if I could help fix her computer. I told her I would get on my bike and ride over, which I did. Turns out she had a virus and it infected a good part of her system, so my only option was to dump everything and reinstall everything. Trust me, it was for the better. She had so much useless, corrupted shit on her system it was totally fucked. So, I did exactly what needed to be done. After a good 2 hours of work, it was done and the computer ran like it was brand new.

Part two of her diabolical plan hit and she asked if I could help her move some stuff one day this week. There's that pick-up truck curse. Well, me being the nice guy that I am I said "sure, no problem". Now mind you, my truck has been having minor transmission issues and is going to the shop Monday morning. I actually have the option of dropping it off Sunday night and putting my keys in the key-drop. Well, I asked her if she could follow me up to the shop so that I have a ride back. Her response? "Oh, I'm not driving all the way up there!"


Not "oh, I only have enough gas for the week." Not "my car isn't running too well." Not even "I won't be home." Did this bitch say what I think she said?"

I just fixed this cunt's computer and agreed to help her move some shit and she has the audacity to say to me "I'm not driving all the way up there" ?

"Excuse me?"

"That's too far. I'm not driving there."

"May I ask why? It's only a 20 minute ride."

"I don't want to drive that far on a Sunday"

"Do you think my idea of a Saturday is doing computer work for a selfish cunt?"


"Free computer work I might add."

"... ..."

Keep in mind that while we were discussing this, I was finishing up on the computer.

I popped in my trusty boot disk and rebooted the computer. I then asked, "So, there's no way at all you can help me out when I need it?

She replied with, "Not if it means driving up there, no."

As if time demanded a poetic moment, the system sat at the blinking C:\> prompt where I typed FDISK, pressed the [Enter] key and proceeded to clear the volume [C:].

I then ejected my floppy disk, placed it back in my pack and got up from the chair. I then turned to her, looked at her with a wicked smile and said "Fix your own fucking computer and move your own shit. PEACE!"

Her mouth gaped open and her eyes seemingly popped from their sockets and before she could say a word, I was out the door. The whole bike ride home I kept thinking to myself, "That made 2 hours of lost work worth every fucking moment."

Wouldn't you know it? That bitch had the balls to call and force an apology on my voicemail. Let the cunt collect dust waiting for me to call back.

Closing thoughts? I lost what I thought was a good friend and I gained what I know is a good blog post. LOL
Wednesday, May 10, 2006

New Subscription Service

If you hadn't noticed before, there was an entry box on the right of my page for you to subscribe. Well since I had set it up I had nothing but problems with the Bloglet service. So, in searching around I found another, more-reliable service called FeedBlitz. What's cool about this new service is that it was even equipped to import my settings from Bloglet asd well as the current subscribers. So, the new service is up and running now so feel free to subscribe. (It will send you an email whenever a new article is added to the blog.)

Experience 1 - Content 0

Last night I was invited to an advance screening of the movie "Poseidon". Not only was it cool to see an advance screening, but we got to do it in style in the Franklin Institute's Tuttelman IMAX Theater. Now, before I get to discussing the movie let me tell you, the experience was amazing. There are some things in this world that everyone should get to experience and this is on that list. The one at the Franklin Institute is 4 1/2 stories in hight, had 50+ monster-sized speakers and is in the shape of a dome, producing what they call surround view. The opening scene of the movie they showed the ship "Poseidon" turning towards the screen and it literally felt like you were sitting on a dock, watching a real ship of actual size turning towards you.

OK, now for the movie itself. From the trailers you would expect top-notch special effects and you did get that. What was missing is something far more essential to a movie, character development. The original actually had you "connecting" with the characters and relating to them as someone you might know. There was absolutely no character development in this butchering of a classic. It was obvious that Wolfgang Peterson said to himself, "with today's technology I bet we can make the ship look cool." Well, he did do that, but that was all he did. On a 1-10 scale I'd give this movie a 5 and that may be generous. I wouldn't suggest seeing it in the theater, but I would suggest seeing it in IMAX. Yes, even this movie. LOL

For an IMAX theater near you, Click Here.
Friday, May 05, 2006

Religious Ruckus

I am currently reading The Da Vinci Code for the second time. I have been so engrossed in it that I have been carrying it around with me pretty much everywhere I may have an opportunity to read it. My comprehension is phenomenal but I am just a naturally slow reader. That's why paperbacks rule. I can carry them around and read them in spurts.

Well, I have had so many people ask me "how the book is" or "how hard it is too read." Obviously, the interest of the public is more peaked now because the Hollywood Blockbuster is near release. This as my friend declares, is because people are stupid and they don't read. Unfortunately, in most cases this is a fair assessment. Anyway, if you haven't read the book, there is a fair amount of French in the text and no key to decipher it. Thanks to this, the book has a reputation for being a hard read when in fact it is not at all. I will admit that the first few chapters had me going to BabelFish for a rough translation, but after that it was smooth sailing.

Well, last Tuesday I was at the gym, in the sauna and reading my book when a woman came in and immediately asked what I was reading. I kindly replied by showing her the cover of the book and saying "The DaVinci Code". I almost instinctively prepared myself to tell her if it was good or not, or that it was not that hard of a read. Instead, she spouts out with "Oh, you're reading that trash? A book filled with lies about the church and God? How can you bring yourself to read such crap?"

"It's fictional."

- "It's filled with lies and blasphemy."

"But ... it's fictional."

- "For someone to believe that garbage is ludicrous."

"I agree, because it is fick-shun-all."

(Can you tell from my sarcasm that I am getting pissed at this point?)

- "Fictional or not, I wouldn't put an ounce of faith in that crap."

"Oh, you mean like The Bible?"

- "Excuse me?"

"Yes, the Bible. Though masterfully written, it is still a book of fiction."


"Yes, the Bible is fictional. It is a collection of inspirational tales melded together into a well-versed manual of morality."


"I dare because I am educated, intelligent and of my own free will. I dare because I am not brainwashed by self-righteous clergymen or a religion that preaches from a fictional manual such as Scientology, Christianity and Catholicism. I dare because I have the balls to live life without a false blanket of security."

- "You are horrible and evil!" (Now gathering up her towel and leaving in a huff.)

"Now, the Satanic Bible? ... Now THAT'S REAL!"

(She slightly turned around with narrowed-eyes and then continued to storm out.)

The only other person in the room, who remained silent until now laughed and said "Dude, that was funny as fuck!"

I laughed, thanked him and went back to reading.
Monday, May 01, 2006

School House Rock

(Though I finished this post today, it actually took place on 04/28/06.)

Friday night I went and saw the concert for my niece's school. She is still deciding which instrument she wants to play. Actually, her interest lies in learning Guitar, but her school deems it "too advanced" and will only teach it to 7th grade and up. If a kid has a desire to learn something than wouldn't it be best to feed that interest? Well, me being the direct, forward person that I am, took it upon myself to speak with her music teacher. After the concert, I introduced myself and struck up a conversation about the work he had done with the kids.

Eventually I asked him about my niece wanting to learn guitar. He gave me the same spiel I'm sure he gave her about it being too advanced for a child her age. Well, the rest of the conversation went as follows:

"In what way is it too advanced?"

- "Well, there's a lot involved in learning the guitar."

"Oh, I know, I've played one."

- "Oh, well have you considered teaching her yourself?"

"No. I'm not that good and aside from that, it's not my job, it's yours."

- "Well, I don't think she's ready something so advanced."

"Oh, really? Well, do you know that she already knows how to install and configure an operating system from scratch? That she can pretty much manage her computer on her own? That she knows how to use Microsoft Word? That she knows how to download music and burn them to a CD?"

- "No, I had no idea. They don't teach that stuff here, so how did she learn that?"

"I taught her. I AM that good with computers and since she wanted to learn, I am teaching her and she is doing great."

- "Impressive."

"I'd say. Can you do any of that stuff?"

- "No, can't say that I can."

"Would you like to learn?"

- "Well, I have a computer at home that all I use for is grading papers."

"I'll make you a deal"

- "I see where this is going. (laughs)"

"So, how about that guitar thing?"

- "If she is still interested, I will start her on lessons and see if she sticks with it."

"You're lessons last as long as her lessons, capice?"

- "Deal!"


Holy shit! I settled that without violence. I'm rather proud of myself. ROFL