Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Out sick

Sorry I haven't been around folks. I have been sick with a stomach virus since Saturday and was on a small vacation before that. I decided to take last Friday off and go to the Camden Aquarium with my daughter. Wouldn't you know it, Monday through Thursday was beautiful and on Friday it fucking rained! Oh well, we went anyway. Ninety-nine percent of it is indoor anyway. We had a great time. Well, Friday night I felt fine and then Saturday I just felt a little off. By late Saturday night I was puking and then all day Sunday and Monday were spent paying mud-butt homage to the porcelain deity! I'm feeling better today. Not quite 100%, but better!
Thursday, April 20, 2006

Porker Protocol

I must clarify before anything else that I do not hate cops. I have friends who are cops and I respect anyone who becomes a cop. I just hate it when cops fuck with me! :-)

Ok, on with my story...

"MOTHER FUCKER!!! I'll be damned if I didn't get pulled over today. I was on my way back from lunch and was pulled over about 5 minutes from work. I was already late getting back, and now this. So, I pull over and got my registration out of the glove compartment. Of course, there is that long waiting period where the run you tags, check for stolen vehicle reports and do whatever else it is they do before they get their fat asses out of their cars.

OK, he finally gets out and approaches my window, which is already open because I know "the routine". "License and registration please?" I handed him my license from my wallet and my registration in the nifty little folder I bought at the car wash. I then asked, "Can you please tell me what I was pulled over for?" ... He replied with an aggravated sigh, "One moment, Sir." He then walked back to his car and again, "did his thing."

Meanwhile, I'm running scenarios through my head. "I wasn't speeding" ... "My tail lights all work" ... "I always use my turn signals" ... "I didn't make any illegal turns" ... "My truck certainly belongs to me" ... "I know I didn't run any lights because there are no in-between lights on the road I was on." "What the fuck? I'm at a complete loss! So much in fact that I was literally talking to myself. I hope he didn't pull me over for a psychological test. LOL

After adding an additional 18 minutes to my being late getting back, he came back to my window, handed me my stuff back and then dropped the bomb on me. "Sir, you have your tailgate down and that's considered a hazard. You have got to be fucking kidding me! He pulled me over and held me up for 20+ minutes to tell me that having my tailgate down was a hazard? He literally wasted his and my time with that earth-shattering tidbit of information? Was I on a hidden camera show? Did I just get Punk'd? Anyone who has a pickup truck and a solid tailgate knows that having it down causes much less wind drag thus making your vehicle more fuel efficient.

"Sir, may I ask what the hazard is? The only reason I ask is because the bed of my truck is empty and the gate is completely secured. I think my question was a valid one and I tried to ask it in the most respectful way, all without showing my complete and utter furiosity (if that's a word, lol).

"SIR? It is a hazard because it is difficult for vehicles behind you to judge where the back of the vehicle is." ... Oh boy, somebody just flicked my dickhead switch!

Excuse me officer, but no vehicle should have a need to get so close as to hit my tailgate just because it was hard for them to judge where it was."

I look at his face get conquered with volcanic anger, so I was smart and shut up. He raised his voice an octave and said, "Sir, just keep the gate up and secure."

I then grabbed my pen and a piece of paper and wrote down his name and badge number. He saw me writing and asked what I was doing. I calmly replied with, "I am writing your name and badge number down. I was told to always do that when I get pulled over." He raised his eyebrows and was ready to just accept it, but then I dug a bit deeper. "Plus, when I get back to work I am going to research any traffic laws pertaining to tailgate positioning and the possible hazards of it being down. If I find that I am wrong and you are correct, I will call your office and highly commend you for your services. Now, if I find out there are no such laws and it id not deemed a hazard, I will file a formal complaint of harassment. Thank you sir. Have a great day."

Oh boy, he went from pissed to really, REALLY PISSED! - "SIR!!!! I am just doing my job. Maybe you can't appreciate it now, but if your vehicle was stolen and was recovered by a stop such as this, you sure as hell would feel differently. I am sick and tired of people wanting police officers there when they need them, but fail to cooperate otherwise. GOOD DAY, SIR!" He walked off in a huff. Well, mission accomplished. I managed to take just about as much of his time pointlessly, just as he had taken time from me. Evil, huh? MU WAH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA! (That's my gratuitous evil laughter. LOL)

Maybe Wild Bill, Free0352 (if he ever visits) or someone else who was/is an officer of the law can let me know for sure if it is a "hazard" to have my tailgate down (with an empty truck bed, mind you). I would love to know!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Desperate Housewives

Upon coming home from work yesterday, in the section that I live, I was stopped by a woman falling into the street. Wait, she didn't fall, she was pushed. It appears that she and her loving husband were having a spat. Since he had followed her into the street, they were now fighting in front of my car, blocking my path. Did she cheat on him? Did she spend money they couldn't afford? Did she beat their kids? No! It was nothing like that at all. He got pissed off to the point of violence simply because the landscapers did a bad job of mowing their lawn and she was at work and not at home to supervise them. Keep in mind that I heard all of this while they are standing in front of me, arguing at the top of their lungs.

From the moment it all started, I could see that she was timid and obviously in fear of him. She had been backed up, step by step to the curb until she was shoved into the path of my truck. Imagine if I was one of those drivers who didn't pay attention to EVERYTHING on the road. She would have been killed or seriously injured, and of course I would have been guilty, right? Isn't that some shit?

Well, I waited patiently for them to get out of the road. Well, in the midst of their arguing, He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her out of the street. Ok, at this point my blood is boiling, but I'm not supposed to interfere in marital affairs, right? So, I managed to keep my anger in check. That's when it happened! He hauled off and punched her in the jaw, dropping her like a sack of potatoes. Now she is on the ground, groggy and screaming in pain and he is standing over her with a clenched fist and an attitude drunken by anger.

Okay, THAT'S IT!

I pulled off to the side, parked my truck and got out with a quickness I thought I had lost to old age. I walked up to him, grabbed him by his throat and threw him down to the ground. "You want to fight someone, fight me you piece of shit!" I growled at him. Now, before I continue, you have to know that this is one of the things I hate most. In fact, it enrages me more than anything else, with the exception of anything that would harm my daughter.

My buddy CavalierX of Guardian Watchblog knows! He has seen me act on this sort of thing in the past and I don't take it lightly, not one bit. Ok, back to the story. As he proceeds to stand, I can see the anger flush from his eyes and fear moving in. He then says what every man in the same position says, "this has nothing to do with you." Oh boy, now I'm pissed. You know? I wish I had those big word-FX balloons that Batman and Robin had on the show. BAM! BOOM! CRACK! And my personal favorite ... THWAP!

So ... I cocked my arm back and crashed him in the jaw, dropping him again. I then stood over him, pummeling him at will. I think he hit me a few times in retaliation, but I didn't feel it. I was drunk from the pleasure of acting on my aggression. "You piece of shit! You like hitting women because you know a man will kick your ass? How the fuck does it feel? How do you like getting your ass kicked? How does it make you feel to be embarrassed in front of your wife and neighbors? Huh? Do you like it you fucking piece of shit?" I stopped when I saw that the majority of his face had been soaked with crimson. Then I had realized that his wife was whimpering the words, "no .... don't ... stop." Why is it that every time a woman is getting her ass kicked by her man and someone steps in, they defend the same guy who was kicking their ass? If I may quote R. Lee Ermy, "What the fuck is their major malfunction?"

So, I came back to my senses looked down at him and said, "if you're even thinking about calling the cops, forget it. I'll tell them how you were beating your wife, how you threw her out in front of my truck and that I was just doing the duty of a good citizen. Your wife knows, your neighbors know and you know deep inside it doesn't have to end here. If I ever see you in any shape or form, hitting your wife, I WILL FUCKING BURY YOU! CAPICE?"

I got in my truck, went home and washed and iced my knuckles. About 20 minutes later, an officer showed up at my door. He said that he had a report that I had made terroristic threats. I explained the who scenario from start to finish. I told him the honest truth. I told him how much I hate the idea of a man beating on a woman and at the moment I saw it, I had a bout of "temporary insanity." The officer replied, saying "it's not insanity to want to protect a woman, it's human nature. Next time, just call 911 when you see something like that and report it. As much as I can appreciate what you had done, it is our job and not yours. You could have been facing serious charges, but they apparently chose not to report anything other than you making threatening remarks to them. I have to go back to them and If they choose to press charges, you will be contacted by our office."

I got the officer's badge number and we left to go talk to my "accusers." I called a friend of mine on the phone, who happens to be a cop. He laughed when I had told him what I did and he said "don't worry about it. I'll vouch for you in every way I can. Well, I hadn't heard anything so I called and asked for the officer that was at my house. He wasn't available so they said he would call me back. Sure enough, not even 15 minutes later he called. He said, "As I suspected, they chose not to press charges. I then confirmed, "So, it's over?" ... The officer ended with, "Yes. Like I said, next time call the police instead of taking matters into your own hands."

I'll end this post with what I ended my to with the officer with. "What if I had seen someone about to be murdered and I was in a position to do something? Should I call 911 and hope that they get there in time, or should I do my duty as a citizen and as a human being?" He didn't have an answer for me ... do you?

Movie Recommendation

Anyone who has Comcast On-Demand and HBO needs to watch the movie called The Hamburg Cell. I'm sure you can rent it as well, either on PPV or at your local video store.

As IMDB describes the movie, it is a fictionalized account of the hijackers responsible the 9/11 attacks. First and foremost, I can't believe that this movie was even made. It actually tries and humanize those sadistic cocksuckers! It plays like a video diary of one of the hijackers and his induction into the radical movement of Islam.

Well, as much as it seems the makers of the film intended to make us understand why these scumbags would murder innocent people in masses, it had an adverse affect on me. It brought back the images in my head of that day. It made me once again, want to kill any and every muslim I see on the street. No, any arab or anyone who looked arab. And you know what? Now the makers of that movie are on that list too.

Watch it and get as angry as I did. SELF-RIGHTEOUS, RAG-HEADED MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!
Friday, April 14, 2006

Motorcycle Mayhem

Though I have so many things to blog about, today is a good start for me to get back. Today is "Good Friday", the Friday before Easter Sunday. Well, I happen to work for a company who observes this day and grants it's workers with the day off. Now, I had no intention of sleeping in today, but I did want to wake up when I was good and ready. I went to bed rather late last night because I knew I didn't have to get up at 5am like usual. I watched a movie on HBO On-Demand called "The Hamburg Cell." It was a chilling tale of the terrorists that attacked us on 9/11. If you have On-Demand, I suggest that you watch it. Anyway, afterwards it was off to bed.

Just when I was in the middle of a nice dream involving a certain drop-dead sexy actress, I was rudely awakened by thunder. As my eyes opened and I returned to reality, the constant thunder brought on the makings of a headache. Well, as I became more coherent, I realized that the sun was shining there were no signs of rain. What I heard wasn't thunder at all. "What the fuck?"

Ok, lets go back about 2 years. My neighborhood was quiet. I had the perfect bookend neighbors. To my left is a cop and his family, truly the best of people. To my right was a nurse and her family, also good people. A bit odd at times, but nothing to worry about. It really was a nice neighborhood. Damn near perfect in fact. Ok, now fast forward and the family on my right (the nurse) moved out and sold their house to what appeared to be a bunch of kids just out of High School. There's easily 7-10 of them living there, boys and girls and young kids. Well, they are your typical "white trash." They have vehicles parked on their lawn, trash all around their house and absolutely no regard for anyone else. Can you see where this is going?

Ok, back to this morning now. It wasn't thunder that woke me up. It was the sound of these inconsiderate assholes riding their dirt bikes up an down the street. Yep, you read right, dirt bikes. They do it all the time and there's not a damn thing we can do. We have called the cops in the past but by the time they get their porky asses out here, they are already packed up and inside. What pissed me off to the point of breaking was that today, they were doing this at 7am. "Oh hell no! Not on my day off you selfish motherfuckers!"

I immediately got dressed, got my shoes on and marched out of the house. I walked out into the middle of the street and stood right in one of their paths. I waited for him to get closer and I motioned him to stop. The dumb fucker wasn't even wearing a helmet. In fact, none of them were. I looked at him and asked him "What the fuck are you doing?" He replied, "Just having fun." I snapped back, "At 7 fucking AM in the fucking morning you dumb piece of shit?" Ok, I had the deer in my headlights now.

"Look you dumb, inconsiderate fuck. This was a nice neighborhood until you and your piece of shit cronies moved in. I have been extremely tolerant with you and your worthless housemates, but I'll be damn if I'll let you waking me up o my day off slide." ... His eyes are now solely focused on the veins popping from my forehead ... "Now you and your cocksucker friends are going to pack your bikes up, put them away and you are going to go inside and be quiet, capice? And If I hear so much as a deep breath come from any of you, I will take great pleasure in coming over and beating the fucking life from each of you while your women and kids watch. Do we have an understanding? Did I get through to you?"

A quiet whisper escaped his trembling lips ... "Yes sir."

"Thank you" I replied. Now, as he walked away I added, "...and if you think that you are going to retaliate by slashing my tires or some dumb shit like that, please know that I will not only kill you and your friends, but all your family members, anyone who has ever known you and even your pets. I can be a great friend and neighbor to have, but I can be the absolute worst motherfucking enemy you could imagine. All I ask for is the respect I and the people of this fine neighborhood deserve. Now run along!"


Hopefully they will think twice before taking out their bikes and riding them on this block at 7am. Fucking pieces of white trash.
Monday, April 03, 2006

Presidential Quiz

This video is hillarious! Presidential Quiz

The Choleric Gardener

I was so excited. I was on my way of having an uneventful, enjoyable weekend. No episodes of dramatic aggression. No neurological depictions of graphic violence. Nothing but enjoyment and happiness.

I went and saw the movie Inside Man Friday night. Aside from Spike Lee broadcasting his political views, it was a really good movie. Denzel Washington was great and the rest of the cast wasn't far behind. It was interesting to see Jodie "rape me on a pinball machine" Foster play a cold, calculated bitch. A role which she actually pulled off really well.

Saturday I had a bunch of shopping and other errands to do. Believe it or not, that was all uneventful. Hell, I even went to the gym and no one pissed me off and that in itself is a miracle. Saturday night I went out to dinner and the food was great. I had a "seafood trio" which consisted of shrimp and flounder, both stuffed with jumbo lump crab meat, a jumbo lump crab cake, sautéed pea pods, fresh asparagus and a salad. Like I said, the food was excellent.

Sunday came along and I had finished the majority of what I needed to do. So I went to Home Depot to look for some gardening stuff. I promised my mother that I would make her a little flower garden in a vacant spot of land at the house. Unfortunately, the area doesn't get much sun thanks to the two trees that border it. So, I walk in to Home Depot, head to lawn and garden and find a sales rep. I ask him where the plants are that require partial sun. He replies, "I'm not sure. Check with someone in the floral area." So, I head to where all of the plants and flowers are, find a girl who works there and ask her the same question. She kindly replies, "I'm sorry, I don't know. I don't work in that area." ... "You do work in Lawn and Garden, correct?" ... "Yes, but not in that area." I noticed that she worked in the fountain area, and I had considered a fountain for the garden so I asked her, "Do you need to put anything special in the water of an outdoor fountain?" ... Ready? ... Here it comes ... She replied with, "You know? I'm not really sure."

She's not really sure? She works in the area where the fountains are, so why the fuck doesn't she know? Do they do any sort of job-training at Home Depot? Maybe she was new and honestly didn't know. I kept telling myself that in order to keep my cool. So, I walked up to one of her co-fountain-area-workers and asked the same question. I guess it was my fault because I worded it differently, but my exact words to him were "Do you know if there is anything special that goes in outdoor fountains?" ... His reply? "Water." NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK! Either I'm dealing with a comedian or this is yet another DUMB DEPOT employee, and since I wasn't laughing, I am guessing it was the latter of the two.

Ok, the best thing I can do is circumvent them all and head to the books. I'm bound to find the answer to my fountain question and in the least, what typical plants do not require a lot of sunlight. So, that's exactly what I did. I first found a great list of plants that are "partial sun" plants, so I began writing a few that I liked down. Just as I got to the area in the book about fountains, another Dumb Depot employee came up to me and said, "Excuse me, sir? We ask that our customers not read the books for reference. Otherwise, no one would buy them." ... **SNAP** ... I was so close. FUCK!

"Excuse me, but do you know why I am left to read one of your fucking books? How about the fact that I asked 3 employees 2 simple fucking questions and none of them could even give me what faintly resembled an intelligent answer. How about the fact that the people who work in Lawn & Garden had no idea as to what plants require only minimal sunlight? How about the ditz and the dumbass who work specifically in the fountain area had no idea if anything besides water needs to be added since they are constantly outdoors? Do you see now why I am READING a fucking book instead of BUYING the shit I need? I bet that any one of you can easily tell me that I am not allowed to read books, but not one of you drop-out dickheads can tell me what I need to know. Am I right? AM I RIGHT?"

What I didn't tell him was that I had aspirations of grabbing the first guy by his neck, forcing his mouth open and then seeing how many different flowers I could jam down his throat. All the while hoping that a few of them where poisonous. As far as the fountain cunt and her kooky co-worker, it was simple. I grab them both by their hair and shove their faces into the huge display fountain, filling their mouths with water which may or may-not have added chemicals, listening to them gurgle for air until they both go limp. Maybe even make a game of it and let the one who doesn't die first go. Yeah, that would be fun. Oh, and for the book lord? Well, the have some pretty hefty hardbacks there. I'm sure I could find a few to cave his empty skull in with. "Hmmm, how to build a deck? WHAM! Brick face and stucco? WHACK! Growing plants and vegetables? THUD! Plumbing and heating repair? CRUNCH!!! ... Ah, the blood."

Anyway ...

His face filled with fear as he murmured out the words, "I'm sorry." I asked him to get a manager, which he did. I noticed a few people who were intrigued by my tirade, hiding and peering around corners, watching. The manager came up to me and asked, "Is there a problem sir?" I explained the whole situation to him in a much calmer, rational voice. Within a few seconds, he was able to answer my questions and point me in the perfect direction of the plants I was seeking. He then apologized several times and walked with me to the plants, showed his knowledge by explaining what I need to look for and went about his business. Well, as I completed my list of exactly what I need, the manager came back and gave me a personally signed gift voucher for $50 bucks. WOW! I never expected that. He then apologized some more and asked that in the future, I come directly to him and if I can't find him, ask them to page "Willard". We shook hands and I thanked him for his generosity. In my mind, he went above and beyond his duty and it was greatly appreciated. THIS, my friends, is CUSTOMER SERVICE.

Once the garden is done, I'll take some pics and post them. Not that any of you care! LOL