Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Thought for the Day...

Some people are like slinkies. They serve no purpose in life, yet they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
Friday, August 25, 2006

The apple of my eye

This past Sunday I took my daughter to the local pool and boy did she have fun. It was family appreciation day so they had a clown, music, food and cake. "Otto" the clown was a funny, albeit strange older man with goofy clothes and wacky accessories, but I must admit that he was great with the kids. He made balloon animals, hats and swords and cracked tons of "kiddy" jokes and had them all laughing hysterically. It was a great time.

Well, after getting her balloon sword (her choice) and free decorative sunglasses, she decided she was hungry. Though they had food there, I brought our own since I tend to eat healthy and my daughter is super-picky. So we laid out a blanket and setup a picnic. We ate our lunch, and to top it off we had fresh, juicy apples. YUMMY! I am an apple-holic.

Well, I peeled and cut her apple and gave it to her in a little dish and when I reached for my apple it was gone. I looked around to see if I possibly placed it somewhere and it was no where to be found. Now I am second-guessing myself. Did I remember to bring two? Am I going senile? What gives?

Well, as I look up in confusion, there it is. My apple is being eaten by a big, fat, thieving squirrel. I was so tempted to grab a rock and nail it, but then my daughter said, "He took your apple to feed his babies, right Daddy?" Well, anyone who has kids knows all too-well that their innocence is an overwhelming power and resistance is futile. So, I simply smiled and said, "You're absolutely right, Chicken." (Yes, I call her "chicken" along with a few other nicknames, so sue me.)

Well agreeing with her made her the happiest little girl. Oh, and trust me when I say, it was hard as hell to swallow my desire to peg that little bastard with a nice, pointy rock. ROFLMAO
Friday, August 18, 2006

A very sad story that will have you die laughing

A guy I work with told me this story about someone he knows...

A female friend of his who lives in New York had been dog-sitting for a friend of hers, at his place in NY. Well, one morning she woke up and saw that the dog was still sleeping. She called to him and there was no response. She then went over and shook him... He was as stiff as a board. Strangely, the dog had somehow passed overnight. Well, as you can imagine she was devastated. She called her friend (who was on vacation in Europe) and through the tears, managed to tell him that his dog had mysteriously passed away. He too began to cry. After he settled himself down, he told her where his personal phonebook was and asked that she call his Vet. She agreed to do so and apologized over and over for "ruining" his vacation.

She got of the phone with him and went to get his phonebook. She found the number and called the Vet, who asked that she bring the dog in for an examination as to what he may have died from. She agreed and got off the phone without giving it much thought. Shortly afterwards, she realized that he was a big dog and she had no idea how she was going to get him there. She looked around the house and finally found a large suitcase. She struggled, but managed to get the Shetland Collie in the case. Again through struggle, she managed to get the heavy case out to the car and drove to the Vet's office.

When she got there, she got the case out of the car but was having a heck of a time getting it up the stairs. As she battled with it, a gentleman walked by and noticed her predicament. He stepped to her and said "That looks rather heavy. By all means, let me help you with that." She smile kindly, motioned for him to take the handle and said "thank you". After taking a few more steps, he turned to her and said, "Wow, this is heavy. What in the world do you have in here?" She was too afraid to tell him the truth, so she answered with "Oh, just some old computer equipment."

BAM, BAM!!!! The guy punched her in the face (twice) and took off with the fucking suit case.

When my buddy told me this, I was so bummed out for the dog's owner until I heard the ending. That piece of monkey shit not only hit a woman, but he then stole what he thought was computer equipment after assaulting her. (Some) justice was served the moment he opened that bag to see what he could sell and found it was filled with a dead dog. That's fucking priceless. Unfortunately, the owner never retrieved the remains and therefore, was not able to properly lay his dog to rest.
Thursday, August 17, 2006

Karr accident a tall tale?

John Mark Karr was recently arrested in Bangkok, Thailand in suspicion of having murdered 6 year old American beauty queen, JonBénet Ramsey. Karr admitted to inquisitors that he "drugged her (Ramsey) and then had sex with her", but claims that killing her was an accident. He believes that while he was having sex with her, she was still alive and he later discovered he had accidentally killed her. He even told reporters that he "loved her very much and is very sorry for what happened."

There are just way too many inconsistencies with this asshole's story. Here are some examples:

1. He said he had sex with Ramsey and yet there were no traces of semen found when her body was examined.

2. He stated that before having sex with her, he had drugged Ramsey. In the autopsy, there were no traces whatsoever of any drug-like substance in her blood.

3. Forensics initially showed that she had been beaten and strangled with a garrote-like device and yet his account of drugging her and accidentally killing her does not match up.

4. He told police that he picked Ramsey up from school when in fact, school had been closed for the Christmas vacation.

5. Karr's ex-wife stated that he had been with her the night of the murder.

In addition to the multiple inconsistencies, I find it very odd that John Karr would admit to the brutal murder of a 6 year old American beauty queen and yet he would not comment on his arrest for Child Pornography here in the states. So, he will confess to a murder but not admit to having child porn on his computer?

In my opinion, this deranged cocksucker had nothing to do with Ramsey's murder. He was obsessed with the case, he is a serial pedophile and he was arrested in a country where they have no problem with torturing you for your crimes. I believe he is lying about being guilty to get his ass back into America. I think that the U.S. should turn away and let Thailand have their way with him. Death alone is too good for this sick, twisted fuck!

Oh, I personally still believe that the parents had something to do with her death. Want something to think about? The autopsy for JonBénet Ramsey shows 12/26/1996 as her date of death yet her headstone shows a deceased date of 12/25/2006. Hmmmmmmm.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Twisting with the Devil....

A Twisted Tuesday post by Evilicious Blonde

Welcome to the first post to honor "Twisted Tuesday", an idea where for one post, you swap blogs with another blogger. The idea is to give each other a "taste from the other side." When participating, you pretty much have carte blanche, but it is strongly suggested that you keep with the context or "vibe" of the blog you are guest-posting on. That's it. It's simple, it's easy and it's fun.

The Irish Devil hath decreed that if I am going to "twist" on his blog, I have to channel my inner Domme. I-think-I-can-I-think-I-can-I-think-I-can....

Hmmmm.... Perhaps a wee prayer first.

52 things that piss me off, in random order....

1. Chicks who like to make out with me but then suddenly discover religion.

2. People who narrate at the movies. "The killer is in there! Run bitch! Run!!!". *growl*

3. Yoko Ono.

4. KY Lube. (Eeeew! Sticky!)

5. The gag reflex. Ahem.

6. Skinny people with scrawny little asses who whine about being fat. Fuck you!

7. Women who spend oodles of money to have a perfect pedicure, yet fail to shave the gorilla
hair off their big toes.

8. Anyone who thinks they can tell me how to live my life.

9. Cindy Sheehan.

10. People telling me I am old and if I am going to have children, I should try harder.

11. Bratty children in restaurants.

12. New Orleans refugees

13. Terrorist bastards.

14. Phrase that is like nails on a frikkin chalk board to me -- "It's always the last place you look." Duh, nitwit.

15. Having an intense fantasy interrupted.

16. "Subtle hints". Just spit it out, beeyotch!

17. Cell phones or crying infants in a movie theater.

18. Commercials featuring that annoying little twit in the question mark jacket who teaches people how to swindle the government out of money to start a business.

19. Finger pointers.

20. Back stabbers.

21. Liars.

22. Users (unless it involves sex).

23. "New" Country.

24. People who tell me how "sweet" I am.

I. Am. Not. Sweet. Mother. Fucker.

25. Blogosphere Flame wars.

26. Internal chafing.

27. People who kill others in the name of a higher power.

28. Commercials in a fucking movie theater.

29. Fidel Castro.

30. "Throw" pillows.

31. Biting my tongue, both literally and figuratively.

32. GIVING UP MY FUCKING NICKNAME AND BLOG ADDY due to stalker interference.

33. Child molesting bastards; Specifically, the sicko who hurt my best friend's daughter.

34. Chain letters - "Send this two ten people in five seconds or your pets will commit suicide."

35. Veggie-burgers.

36. Mean drunks.

37. People who spout "talking points" as a so-called political argument.

38. When while instant messaging, it says typing on the bottom, and then that person doesn't say anything!

39. Anti-War pussies...errr...I mean, protesters.

40. The hiccups, especially during sex.

41. Being at a concert for a band you adore and some asshole next to you is screaming along off key and keeps fucking up the words.

42. Thongs at the beach - especially on men!

43. People who say "Flustrated" instead of "Frustrated".

44. Hangnails on a man who is fingering me.

45. Plushie Paul.

46. When people use MY name in vain.

47. When famous singers try to "interpret" the National Anthem, making it impossible to sing
along with.

48. Razor burn on "delicate" areas.

49. The "Can you hear me now? Good!" commercials.

50. People who fake disabilities.


52. Being thisclose to an orgasm and then having it either deliberately or accidentally halted by a partner.

Suddenly feeling the urge to tie a person up.....male, female, whichever.....and molest them....for hours...

Wooooo! Anger makes me HORNY!!!!!

A question for the fellas (and the ladies who like ladies.)

This was a discussion we had a work this morning and I am interested to see what my blog friends think.

If you had the chance to have wild, nasty, bang-out sex with the female celebrity of your choice and right before it happens, you find out that she was once a man and that she had a complete sex change. Would you still have sex with her?

I'm Geeking Out again

He who has the most toys wins, right?" ROFLMAO

Well, by the picture above, you can see I got another new toy. Meet the latest edition to my electronic empire, the T-Mobile SDA Smart Phone. It runs on Windows Mobile 5.0, can view Office documents, has MSN Messenger and Hotmail built in, allows you to IM with AIM, ICQ and Yahoo and plays MP3, WMA, WAV, MPG, AVI and other media file types via Windows Mobile Media Player. In addition, it has both Bluetooth and Wi-Fi capability, which means I can browse the web right over my own wireless connection and T-Mobile doesn't get a dime more out of me.

Now, because I was a valued customer, I got this $250 phone for the low, low price of only $99.00. Along with the low price, I also got a leather carrying case and a 1GB mini-SD memory card for storing data, media and applications. You see? If you know how to work the system and talk to companies that rely on your for their monthly income, then you can get quite a bit in return.

The moral of the story kids is, don't ever be afraid to ask for more than what they offer. If they want your money, they will always bend if not break.
Monday, August 14, 2006

The Candy Bandit

If you were to walk through my office, you will see some sort of candy, snack, munchies, etc. on each of the desks. It's a friendly environment where if I feel like a Pretzel, I know where to go. If someone wants sugar-free candy, they know they can come to my desk. Share and share alike is our motto, but as with anything else, there is always that one person who fucks it up for everyone.

In the past 2-3 weeks, folks have been noticing that their snack offerings have been diminishing rather expeditiously. They will refill before lunch, come back after lunch only to find their basket empty. We're talking a good 20 desks, all with snacks ranging from pretzels, chips, hard candy, Twizlers and such. The selection is pretty diverse and for anyone to eat such a mixture must either have a tape worm or a cast-iron stomach. Well, as it turns out, that is not the case at all.

The culprit of the disappearing snacks has been recently identified. He was seen going through and taking handfuls of stuff and pocketing it. He even went as far as to go in someone's drawer, open a new bag of pretzels and fill their basket only to take 1/2 of what he so kindly put out. Well, it turns out that the bag he opened was meant for home and not the office. As if that wasn't bad enough, he even went so far as to leave a fucking note on someone's desk letting them know (anonymously) that they were "out" and that they should get more. The fucking balls on this guy. What really pisses me off about this is the fact that he is one of the few who do not put stuff out on his desk. (Gee, imagine that.)

Well, he must not like sugar-free candy (which is what I offer) because he never once came and took my stuff. It could also be the fact that he well knows that if I caught him, I'd crush him. Well, after hearing so many of my fellow co-workers complain, I went to the department head and simply asked if something could be done. He gave me permission to personally ask him to refrain from his current actions and that if he wanted a piece of candy or something, to simply take one or two and leave it at that. Now, you guys know that putting it that way is simply too nice for me to do. So, when the opportunity presented itself, I handled it my own way.

Here is how the conversation went.

Me - "Hey ****, got a minute?"

Anonymous - "Sure."

Me - "Several people have been complaining about the amount of stuff you have been taking from their baskets."

Anonymous - "Oooooookaaaaaaay...?"

Me - "Well, while they are too nice to actually say anything to you, none of the appreciate it and would like it to stop immediately."

Anonymous - "But they put the stuff out for people to take."

Me - "Yes, but to take in moderation, not all at once."

Anonymous - "Why don't they put up a sign then?"

Me - "Because everyone but you understands the etiquette."

Anonymous - "Oh, so now you make the rules?"

Me - "No, I don't make them ... I enforce them and you my friend, are in direct violation."

Anonymous - "So what?"

Me - "So, the next time I hear of or in any way suspect that you are excessively taking stuff from people's desk, I will wait until the end of the day, grab you by your scrawny little neck, drag you off of work property and proceed to beat you like a piñata until all of the stolen candy falls out of your pockets."

Anonymous - "..."

Me - "Do you understand me?"

Anonymous - **nods**

Me - "Thank you."

What in the Trek are you doing?

Circulating through the Hollywood rumor mill is the claim of a new "Star Trek" movie, which would essentially make it number 11 (XI). The fact that another movie may be in the works is not what has Trekkies' undies in a bunch. What does is the rumor that Bourne Identity actor Matt Damon will be playing Captain James Tiberius Kirk.. They demand it be blasphemous for anyone other than William Shatner play the part and that production of this travesty never begin.

Maybe the Trekkies should step out of their geekdom for a moment and institute a little common sense. For starters, William Shatner is old. He is no longer the action-hero type, or at least, he is no longer built for the role. In addition, like it or not Matt Damon has played some excellent roles in such films as Good Will Hunting, The Talented Mr. Ripley and Syriana. Other than his role on Star Trek, the only thing of note for Shatner is the television shows T.J. Hooker and Boston Legal, which I admit is a good show. Oh, and let's not ignore the fact that Damon has "the look" and could certainly pull off the part, especially if under good direction. And last, the most recent offerings of Star Trek have been less-than-stellar. Stagnant if you will. Perhaps this is exactly what is needed to keep Gene Roddenberry's vision alive.

Personally, I don't give a fuck. I am a fan of Star Trek, but I am more of a fan of "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In my opinion, that show was better than any other series and better than any of the movies. But I'm not so much a fan that I cannot accept change. Hell, things change all the time and it is usually beyond our control. Trekkies? This is one of those times where it is beyond your control. If Hollywood feels that a Star Trek movie starring Matt Damon will make hundreds of millions of dollars, then scream and yell all you want because you won't have a chance at winning. Money talks, bullshit walks. So, get off of your noble geek steed and come to terms with the fact that you do not have a say. The sooner you realize that, the sooner your life can go on.

Another episode of "Desparate Housewives" (and possibly the last.)

Remember this post? Desperate Housewives

Well, early Saturday morning there was a big ruckus down the street, complete with police cruisers and an ambulance. It seems that her husband decided to go back to his abusive ways, which disappoints me because apparently what I did was only temporary. Anyway, he came home drunk early that morning and started up with his wife. They argued back and forth until she said something that flipped his switch. According to the arresting officer (a friend), "He beat the living hell out of her". From his (the officer) initial assessment she had two black eyes, a broken nose, a bloody lip and possibly a few broken ribs. His fellow officer said "That bastard really did a number on her."

I turned back to my friend and asked, "Is she going to be okay?" and he replied by saying "Oh yeah, she should heal up ok. She's just over there talking to the officer who was first on the scene." I looked around and didn't see her cocksucker of a husband anywhere. So I asked officer Tim, "I guess you guys already hauled that asshole off to jail, huh?" He came back with, "No, not yet. He's over in the ambulance with a butcher knife in his chest." He then laughed when the look on my face changed and said "Hell hath no fucking fury, huh? ... Well, I hope one of them seriously fucking considers divorce now!"

We both laughed and joked for a few minutes before I started to say my goodbyes when he stopped me dead in my tracks by saying, "Don't be surprised if you are subpoenaed to testify. She mentioned you in her report." ... I simply grumbled out an "Oh, ok" and I know damn well he could see the displeasure on my face. He got a big laugh out of it because he knows damn well I hate jury duty, let alone being called as a witness in a trial. ** sigh **
Friday, August 04, 2006


Ladies, do you like so many others in this world own an iPod? What if your iPod could make you even happier than it does now? Well, here's the key to that happiness:

Introducing OhMiBod, the vibrator that attaches to your iPod for the ultimate pleasure in music. The unit uses frequency calibrated vibration to interpret the music being played through the iPod and will adjust the rpm output of the internal vibration mechanism. This is the first of its kind and is growing in popularity so fast that DJs are rising up and composing customized tracks and playlists to fully support the capabilities of the OhMiBod.

Though the OhMiBod is specifically designed to work with the Apple iPod, it will in fact function with any audio device that has a standard mini-jack for output. This means that it will work with a portable CD player, a non-iPod MP3 player and even the Sony PSP. So ladies? If you are not a gamer now, here's your chance to be-cum one and make it well worth your while.

Oh, and the OhMiBod only uses two (2) AA batteries and can be purchased for for the low, low price of $69.00 dollars. Shipping is currently free and there is even a hot pink penis-shaped softskin sleeve for added pleasure. Click Here to Order

Now, do I take care of my bitches or do I take care of my bitches? LOL
Thursday, August 03, 2006

Believe it or not, an actual good experience on eBay

I like so many other folks who use eBay have had bad auction experiences. I've had to fight for money, fight for auctions won and down-right threaten people with legal action. Well, rather than blog about one of those bad experiences, I actually have an awesome experience to blog about. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true.

Well, those of you who read my post about my new toys know that I bought an XBOX 360 game system. Anyway, since the games run an average price of $60 retail, I shop for them on ebay for cheaper prices. Well, I won an auction for Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter, one of the games I actually wanted the system for. Well, to my surprise, when the auction ended the final price was only $32.00 with a $5.00 shipping and handling charge. Granted, it was a used copy, but I don't care, so I immediately pay the amount with my Paypal account.

Shortly after making the payment, I got an email from the seller (who by their choice, will remain anonymous) stating that there was a problem with the item I had won in his auction. Apparently, he was unaware of the fact that the disc had a huge scratch in it and he feared it wouldn't play. In the same email, he assured me that he would make good on the auction and he did. This guy actually went and bought an unopened retail copy of the game at $60.00 and still fulfilled his end of the auction by sending it to me for the original auction price. I even offered to make up the difference but he refused. He said it was his fault that he sold a damaged item and that it was his responsibility to make good on it.

Well, he certainly made good on it and I certainly gave him excellent feedback in return. I also wrote him a nice email thanking him for being upstanding and honest.

Absence from Blogging

Sorry I haven't been blogging much folks. My little girl has been sick and she has been absolutely miserable (and rightfully so). She has infections in both ears, a very high fever and is battling a nasty stomach virus. So, as you can imagine, I have been trying to spend as much time with her as I can.